Amazing Night

I did something tonight that I had no intention of doing; I went to a dance. I've heard tales of this mythic dance since I first started college back in August. Actually, I might have started hearing about this popular event from alumni before I even landed on campus. I decided a while ago that I really didn't care to attend either the "mythic dance" or the rebellious event meant as the rebel response to the "mythic dance."

Anyways, I went. I didn't know that I was going until about 2 1/2 hours before it started. I was still planning on a quiet evening at home doing homework (or something like that). My plans changed when a friend found out that I was planning to skip it and "harassed" me into going. As it turned out, faculty and staff come to this event and bring their spouses and children; it's quite the networking opportunity. I scrambled to get ready, pulling a dress out of the closet that I bought about 2 years ago but never wore. I had nothing for my hair (I ran out of hairspray a couple of weeks ago). I had to run to the store to get hairspray and a headband. I came home, curled my hair, put on my make-up, and left for the dance.

I've never been the "dance" type. I usually grab a drink and sit on the side-lines, like a traditional wall flower I suppose. This time, I stuck with my routine until friends started to arrive. I ended up teaching three of my friends to swing dance and dancing with a fourth friend as well.

The food was amazing. They had a leg of beef...I mean the WHOLE thing. The dessert tables were just phenomenal. Our college has the best dining services. When they go all out it's a sight (and taste) to behold.

They had two rooms with two different bands. I enjoyed the blues band, but the swing band was my favorite. I know how to swing dance and really enjoy it. That is where I spent most of my evening.

I had to bow out a little early because the SO had to go to work tonight, but I didn't mind at all. I am just glad that I went. I will definitely go every year now. It was a completely wonderfully amazing experience. (However, I am not used to doing anything other than walking and standing in heels; dancing was definitely an experience. My feet still hurt an hour later.)

Overall, it was a great night.

Shaking the Foundations

Well, I suppose that I should first acknowledge my complete failure to complete the last post as well as my neglect of this site for the past few weeks. It drives me nuts (even though I understand that life gets busy sometimes) when the blogs that I follow go weeks or more without an update.

And now, a new post...

I had to admit to myself that my core beliefs, the foundations of everything, might be a little skewed. Beliefs that I am a bad person, inherently bad, disgusting, gross, lazy, fat, undeserving of happiness, stupid, and other things influence everything from what I think and do to how I perceive and respond to everything.

I often feel paralyzed by the double binds that I have created for myself where one option proves that I am inherently bad, etc., and the other option means that I have to face a reality that I do not want to admit. Either way, I have to live with a reality that I find devastating.

In T, I find myself resistant to any intervention that may lead to some resolution (one way or another) of these double binds. My fear of both resolutions keeps me trapped. I am more comfortable sitting in this uncomfortable double bind with no answers than I am to make a move and discover that my history is incomprehensibly bad or that I am inherently bad.

Something has been plaguing me for a long time and I was resistant to attempting to contain it for exactly the reason mentioned earlier. If it turns out to be possible to contain it (as measured by success in attempting containment), then it confirms that there are parts of my past that I want nothing to do with because they are so heinously awful. If this thing cannot be contained, then it proves that I am gross and disgusting and lazy. How can I live with myself knowing those things?

However, I've decided to take a leap of faith that somehow things can get better. The T said that eventually I would have to make a move if I ever wanted to get beyond all of this stuff. I know that he is right. Eventually I will have to make a decision, face the consequences, find the answer. Since it is going to be eventually, it may as well be now. I've been wanting to do it since last Wednesday, but haven't managed to get around to it yet. I will though, before he comes back from vacation a week from Tuesday. As much as I want to avoid it and run screaming in the other direction, I am going to face this. It is simply something that I have to do.

I've really got to prepare for this!

Me