Complications

I haven't posted in such a long time, and for that I'm sorry. I'm sure that no one bothers to follow my dead blog anymore, but I feel the need to update anyways. If nothing else, it will give me an opportunity to get some things off of my chest.

I'm still in college, and it's been a REALLY rough semester. A few weeks in my fiance, who I've been with for the better part of four years, decided he wanted to split up. Apparently he just said it in anger, but I didn't know that for a couple of days. I made the decision not to let him take it back. We both have a lot of issues and neither one of us truly fulfills the other's needs. I just decided that it was better to try to be friends for the time being while we both worked on ourselves individually. Six days later he thought we were in a relationship again because I said that I might be willing to try again once he'd changed. He decided that he had turned his whole life around in six days. I just couldn't believe that he had changed that quickly, so I told him that I wasn't willing to try it again yet.

We had another blow out that night (midterms week of course). Instead of studying for my midterms and writing my papers I spent the evening moving every single thing I owned from the main part of the apartment and our shared bedroom into the spare bedroom (which served as my office). I had so many meltdowns during the semester, and I basically lived in the Dean's office. He and I were still living together despite the breakup, and that made everything more difficult. However, things were finally starting to look up. We were getting along better and even started to joke around again. During finals week, everything fell apart again. Basically, he told me that I was so selfish and uncaring that no one would ever be able to stand to be in a relationship with me. Essentially, my best friend in the world told me that I was unlovable. I had a complete meltdown and it was only through the grace of two amazing friends that I survived my last day of finals.

And now you're caught up, so here's what's going on now.

We're still living together, but I'm taking steps to move out. I know he's not happy about it. I just broke the news today. Part of it has to do with what he said (uncaring, selfish, unlovable). I finally realized (or maybe just got around to admitting it to myself) that we have both hurt each other so much during the past four years that we really can't rebuild any part of our friendship as long as we are still living in the same space, and it might not even be possible once we live apart. To be honest, I simply don't trust him anymore. I've never let anyone get as close to me as I did with him and he took everything he knew about me and used it to hurt me in the deepest possible way. How am I supposed to feel comfortable sharing my most private self with him now? The second reason that I want to move out is that he is dating again. He has seen this woman just about every day since they had coffee this past Thursday. I can't say that it upsets me or makes me jealous; I just find it very uncomfortable. I feel like it's put this wall up between us, the giant pink elephant in the middle of the room that no one talks about.

Tonight, the fact that he is seeing someone else hurt for the very first time. He told me that he was going next door to visit his kids (they're grown). He came back at one point to pick up some food for them that he didn't want. Before he left again, he told me that he would be back by 8:30 (not that it mattered to me). When he got home, I asked him if he had a good time with his kids. He said, "yes," and then told me that he had gone over to "her" house so that she could wrap Christmas presents for him. I've always done that for him, and I live right here in the house. Why did he have to drive all the way over there for her to do it? I still can't say that I'm particularly upset. It's more like a feeling of unease, or maybe like someone just stabbed me in the side. Somehow, it's a purely physical sensation instead of an emotional one (although I'm sure that there's some emotion behind it).

I have no idea if I'm being reasonable or not. Moving out brings so many issues with it, but staying brings so many more. I don't want to feel like this for the next two and a half years (until I go off to grad school). I feel like my wanting to move is really bothering him, and that it's going to cause issues until I can make it happen. However, I don't think that I can survive another semester like this past one. I can't deal with all of the drama and distractions. I really need a break. I'm not going to get one as long as I live here.

I wish there were clear cut answers in life.