Shaking the Foundations

Well, I suppose that I should first acknowledge my complete failure to complete the last post as well as my neglect of this site for the past few weeks. It drives me nuts (even though I understand that life gets busy sometimes) when the blogs that I follow go weeks or more without an update.

And now, a new post...

I had to admit to myself that my core beliefs, the foundations of everything, might be a little skewed. Beliefs that I am a bad person, inherently bad, disgusting, gross, lazy, fat, undeserving of happiness, stupid, and other things influence everything from what I think and do to how I perceive and respond to everything.

I often feel paralyzed by the double binds that I have created for myself where one option proves that I am inherently bad, etc., and the other option means that I have to face a reality that I do not want to admit. Either way, I have to live with a reality that I find devastating.

In T, I find myself resistant to any intervention that may lead to some resolution (one way or another) of these double binds. My fear of both resolutions keeps me trapped. I am more comfortable sitting in this uncomfortable double bind with no answers than I am to make a move and discover that my history is incomprehensibly bad or that I am inherently bad.

Something has been plaguing me for a long time and I was resistant to attempting to contain it for exactly the reason mentioned earlier. If it turns out to be possible to contain it (as measured by success in attempting containment), then it confirms that there are parts of my past that I want nothing to do with because they are so heinously awful. If this thing cannot be contained, then it proves that I am gross and disgusting and lazy. How can I live with myself knowing those things?

However, I've decided to take a leap of faith that somehow things can get better. The T said that eventually I would have to make a move if I ever wanted to get beyond all of this stuff. I know that he is right. Eventually I will have to make a decision, face the consequences, find the answer. Since it is going to be eventually, it may as well be now. I've been wanting to do it since last Wednesday, but haven't managed to get around to it yet. I will though, before he comes back from vacation a week from Tuesday. As much as I want to avoid it and run screaming in the other direction, I am going to face this. It is simply something that I have to do.

I've really got to prepare for this!

Me