Lost, Found, Lost

This week has been crazy and exhausting for me. School started back on Monday which was absolutely wonderful. Unfortunately, I have an absolutely nutty schedule. Somehow (I know how, but it still doesn't seem possible)I ended up with 5.5 credits worth of courses (6 classes). I usually structure my life by working as far ahead during the weekends as I can. I get all of the reading for the entire week done, and do as much other work as I can. Unfortunately, in the first week of classes, you don't get all of your assignments for the week until Monday. That means that I have been cramming in work during every spare moment all week long. I was staying up late and getting up early just to try to get it all done. I made it (nearly...with the slight exception of three pages of psychology reading that didn't get done, but that is out of about 100). Tonight, I find myself simply exhausted. It has just been a very long week. I would like to get deep into the work that I have to do for next week tonight, but I have a feeling that I will be in bed by 10 o'clock at the latest. I need the rest. Luckily, Monday is a holiday and I only have one academic class on Tuesday, so I have a little bit of extra time in which to get ahead for next week and caught up for this past week (I had no chance to take notes on anything that I read). I made myself a "To Do" list so that I can keep all of the work that I have to do straight this weekend and upcoming week. I think that I will do that every week because it really does seem to help me. I have one thing completed, and about 20 more to go. I started working on the next reading assignment, but every time I try to really read and focus, I get so tired I can barely keep my eyes on the page. This blog is providing a temporary break until I head back for more reading.

I have discovered that the beginning of February is going to be a little bit crazy. I have three papers due in one week and a fourth due the following Monday. It will definitely be a little bit hectic. I am thrilled that I know that now because it means that I can get a start on all of them and still have time to go to the writing help center. I want better grades on my papers this semester. I did really well in my one class last semester, but the other class could definitely have been better. I have that same professor again this semester, so I know that I have to up my game. I am very glad that the week is over though. I now have a little bit of time to relax (sort of) and sleep (absolutely necessary). Relaxation will probably take the form of curling up with a good textbook.

I am glad that I got into the classes that I did though. I have all good professors, and really like all of my classes. Some of them will be tougher than others, but I think I am up for the challenge. I sure hope I am anyways. I want to at least keep my GPA this semester, if not increase it. I have a lot of people in my corner though, and that helps a lot. Everyone here pulls for your success, and cares a lot. It's going to be an awesome semester for me.

On another note, I had T on Wednesday. We finally got into this "Internal Family Systems Therapy" that we had been working towards for a few weeks now. "e" was the one who was doing the work with "A" and the T. At the end the T commented to me that she is a very sad girl. The comment really struck me, although it didn't surprise me in the least. I've always known that she was sad. The only thing that I think brings her any small joy at all is dancing, ballet. Even internally I was aware of some deep pain inside of her. The thought that has always come to mind when I wanted to describe her was "broken." Her spirit seems broken in some fundamental way that breaks my heart. She is far too young to be so hurt. The thing that struck me was that someone else saw it. In a lot of ways, I still find that denial of everything hard to shake. It is easy to tell myself that she is just a figment of my imagination and I am seeing her in a way that isn't really there. Maybe I simply want her to be broken because that would mean she was traumatized and it would fit in well in T. Having someone else actually say that she seemed so sad helped me to accept that she really is, and I am not simply trying to project those feelings onto her.

One thing that is supposed to happen is that everything is supposed to be kind of contained from me for the time being. (At least, I thought that was the deal in the beginning.) That sort of happened I guess, but then again...not really. After T, I found that I could remember some of the things that she brought up. It was like remembering something that you knew a really long time ago, but had forgotten completely. I just kept thinking, "I used to know this." None of it seemed bad though. I mean, none of it seemed particularly traumatic or awful. It just...was. It existed. It is hard to understand why it hurts her so much, because none of it seems all that bad. Maybe that is because it is contained from me to a point, enough that I can't access the emotions of it all. Maybe it is because I don't really experience those kinds of emotions to any major extent anyways. I'm not really sure. I noticed a little bit yesterday, and more so today, that it is slipping farther away again. I can still remember if I really reach out for it, but it isn't as easy. I am a little bit afraid that it is going to slip totally away again. I suppose if it does, that is okay. I just wish that, since I've found it and it really doesn't bother me, I could hang onto the rememberings. It may not be meant for me yet though. I have no idea where this process is really going or what is going to happen along the way. I'm just holding on for the ride and hoping that it comes out where I'd like it to. In the meantime, I am going to focus on school and wait for Monday when we go back to do it all over again. I think that "e" is going to work again, although I'm really not sure. I guess I'll find out when we get there.

Me