I'm really all alone

I don't think that I have ever before realized quite how alone I am. Actually, that's not true. I have had times before when I felt desperately alone, and truly was in a lot of ways. However, never have I felt quite so alone with so many people in my life.

I have a significant other...who believes in "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" and can't really handle all of my problems. Hence, I keep a lot to myself around him. Since we live together, I keep a lot to myself even when I am home, the one place I should be able to let go a bit. I started college in the fall and have so many friends, but they are all so young. How do I tell an 18-year-old (almost ten years younger than I am) that I have multiple personalities and an abuse history that I don't really remember? I mean...those things really are at the base of most of the problems that I am having right now. Being in the hospital because of DID/MPD related issues is how I met my friend who committed suicide. Having an abuse history screws up my s*x life and causes a lot of problems in the relationship with the SO. Just about everything else builds off of that in some way.

I wish that I had friends to truly talk to. I give them advice, but cannot ask the same from them. I love having one of the absolutely most awesome counselors in the world....and a T who gets it. Unfortunately, however, they are no match for friends, people to simply vent to or talk to and know that I can still hang out with them tomorrow. What support network do I have out in the real world? The answer is that I don't actually. I have a counselor and a T. I keep secrets from everyone else. I guess one could argue that I have secrets from the counselor and T as well, but they are of a different quality. With them, it is a matter of when I will reveal things. With my friends and SO, I will never reveal things.

I cannot talk to them about how the SO and I had s*x last night and I am afraid that his mood is going to improve. I cannot explain to them that I think, despite all of the SO's denials, that he still bases his feelings of love and security in our relationship on s*x. How do I tell them that I am so supremely unhappy with him that I have opened up other options for myself in the hopes that I can actually be happy? How do I ask for advice because I am standing on the edge of making an unforgivable mistake? I cannot ask those things of people so young.

I have no one. I sit alone and struggle through these things on my own, and wish to die. It is an easy way out...a cowards way out. I understand that. I know what it does to those left behind. I also know that, with my plan, if I didn't succeed, I may be institutionalized for a VERY long time. It could permanently derail everything that I want for myself. It would be a huge risk to take. If I plan well enough, however, it could be a sure thing.

I don't like being alone. I want someone. How can I have so many people and be so completely alone? I don't want to be alone.

Me