Domino effect

How do so many unrelated things come together like this?

Five years ago, my friend committed suicide. I knew only her first name, having met her in the hospital. We had a lot in common, and got close very quickly. I was discharged to the day program, and she stayed in the unit. I never knew anyone related to her, no family or friends. I cried when I found out and then moved past it, almost as though it had never happened. This past fall, I started college. I took a class, psych 101, in which we had to write a series of papers. One of the papers involved writing about psychological disorders. The assignment was to find two blogs about a particular disorder and use them to write this paper. I liked the blogs that I had found and decided to keep up with them. Today, I read a recent post (from today) on one of them. The post detailed the suicide of one of the blogger's friends. The details were eerily familiar. We emailed back and forth a few times (all the while I was hoping that the name she used was the person's real name and not a pseudonym). It was the same one that I knew.

It has had a more profound effect than I ever could have guessed. It feels like being hit by a bus. I think that I wrote earlier that when one memory comes back (her suicide) another related memory comes back too. They came back earlier this week, but they were distant and not really upsetting. And then, the blog.

It all feels very immediate again, as though her suicide and the "other situation" just happened yesterday instead of 5 years ago. I truly felt like a bus just ran over me, blindsided by the whole thing. How can you ever expect or prepare for something like that?

I texted a friend that I knew gives great hugs and begged for one...ended up getting a couple. I told her what had happened, lost all of my words (it's the first time I've ever known what it felt like to be at a TOTAL loss for words), and cried. She told me something that she knew I wouldn't want to here. Maybe this happened now because it is time for me to deal with it, since I couldn't then, so that it doesn't keep coming back periodically to haunt me anymore. I hate that idea. I do not WANT to remember. I do not WANT to deal with it.

I went to dinner with my friends and tried to take my mind off of it for a little bit. It worked because I have awesome friends. Walking home tonight, I was thinking about another thing that my awesome hugging friend said. She told me that I had to cry. The tears are already done. It's amazing that the tears are already gone. I thought about why I don't cry. It was a crazy series of thoughts. Here goes:

I don't cry because it isn't safe. Why isn't is safe? Because if I cried, then mom would get upset and cry, then I felt bad so I'd stop and make her feel better. I didn't like how it felt to see her cry, so I stopped showing that I was upset ever. But that doesn't explain why I can't cry now. Why can't I cry now? I don't know. Yes you do. Okay, I can't cry now because the SO is Mr. Pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps. He would get mad at me, or be irritated with me at least, if I allowed myself to wallow in grief. I just can't cry.

And THEN...

I started running over all of the people I've lost. I've lost too many for my age. I've lost far too many to suicide. And I also realized that I've never grieved. Someone dies and I cry for a day (that actually means that I cry for 30 minutes to two hours and then am just done). The following day it still bothers me but is more distant. Over time, within about a week, I may have forgotten that the person is gone. If I haven't blocked it out, I have pushed it far enough away that it doesn't really bother me anymore. Is one day enough to grieve? I always just thought that I was good at it and didn't need more time. However, the fact that I feel like I was hit by a bus this evening, and like I am reliving (in equal intensity) that original day when I found out, begs a question. Do I still have to grieve for my friend? And another question, if I've never actually grieved for anyone I have lost, do I have to grieve for them all eventually?

She ties into so much...mom, crying, grieving, so many deaths, the "other situation" (and compounding things is that the "other situation" ties into a whole different set of things on top of it all). I don't want to handle this. There is a definite need to cry. I can feel the internal pressure of it. But I do not WANT to deal with this. I want it to go away again. I am exhausted thinking about it. This evening has been absolutely exhausting.

I really wish that I knew what to do next.

This really sucks...it hurts a lot.

Me