The right thing to do???

I am considering a HUGE step, and I have no idea if it is the right thing to do or not.

I decided quite a while ago, during the summer actually, that I was going to keep my life separate from school. When I made that declaration to myself, I had no idea how hard it would turn out to be. Now I am starting to realize. There are times when I am simply having a really rough time and have difficulty concentrating on work. I have to admit that I am extremely high functioning at this point in my life. A few years ago, when I was in what I suppose would be called the "crisis stage," that was definitely not the case. I have accomplished a lot in the way of stability over the past few years.

Today I met with the counselor. We talked about the topic of the last post, how I feel so incredibly alone. I do not actually have friends to whom I can speak about life. I listen and provide advice when I can, but am unable to divulge my own life and ask for support or advice from anyone. I do not wish to minimize the value of either the T or the counselor. They are both amazingly helpful and supportive. However, interactions with them are not on any kind of social level. I see them because they are professionals, and that makes it a very different dynamic.

I am a non-traditional student in a college that has very few. I believe that there are approximately 5 of us, all in different departments (for our respective majors that is), in a school of almost 2,000 students. We range in age from 25 to 70-something. Although it isn't a bad thing, it means that most of my friends are about 18 years old (I do have a few in other classes as old as 22). In the end, however, I do not feel comfortable burdening 18-year-old's with my problems. They won't know what to do or say (yes I know that is an assumption that probably has a few exceptions), and it isn't fair to put something like that onto them.

The other option is to talk to faculty or staff. A few staff, I can already rule out for various reasons. I realize fully that faculty and staff are not my friends. They are still in a professional role that they leave behind at work. However, as a non-traditional student, I have a slightly different relationship with them than many of my student peers. I feel comfortable talking to them on a more contemporary level.

What this all comes down to is this: I am considering telling my advisor. I don't know how she will take it. I know that I can ask for it to be kept confidential. I'm really not sure if I should. When I first spoke to the counselor, she suggested that I might want to consider telling one of the faculty members that I've developed a good relationship with. At first, that seemed like a really good idea. As I thought about it, however, I started to question whether or not I wanted to introduce that into the relationship. It may complicate things in a way that damages what we have now. For that reason, I thought of telling my advisor. She already knows that my history wasn't exactly beautiful. I also happen to have an appointment with her tomorrow to discuss a paper of mine that I am really struggling with. I have to figure out what to do by then.

Guess that's it.

Me

I'm really all alone

I don't think that I have ever before realized quite how alone I am. Actually, that's not true. I have had times before when I felt desperately alone, and truly was in a lot of ways. However, never have I felt quite so alone with so many people in my life.

I have a significant other...who believes in "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" and can't really handle all of my problems. Hence, I keep a lot to myself around him. Since we live together, I keep a lot to myself even when I am home, the one place I should be able to let go a bit. I started college in the fall and have so many friends, but they are all so young. How do I tell an 18-year-old (almost ten years younger than I am) that I have multiple personalities and an abuse history that I don't really remember? I mean...those things really are at the base of most of the problems that I am having right now. Being in the hospital because of DID/MPD related issues is how I met my friend who committed suicide. Having an abuse history screws up my s*x life and causes a lot of problems in the relationship with the SO. Just about everything else builds off of that in some way.

I wish that I had friends to truly talk to. I give them advice, but cannot ask the same from them. I love having one of the absolutely most awesome counselors in the world....and a T who gets it. Unfortunately, however, they are no match for friends, people to simply vent to or talk to and know that I can still hang out with them tomorrow. What support network do I have out in the real world? The answer is that I don't actually. I have a counselor and a T. I keep secrets from everyone else. I guess one could argue that I have secrets from the counselor and T as well, but they are of a different quality. With them, it is a matter of when I will reveal things. With my friends and SO, I will never reveal things.

I cannot talk to them about how the SO and I had s*x last night and I am afraid that his mood is going to improve. I cannot explain to them that I think, despite all of the SO's denials, that he still bases his feelings of love and security in our relationship on s*x. How do I tell them that I am so supremely unhappy with him that I have opened up other options for myself in the hopes that I can actually be happy? How do I ask for advice because I am standing on the edge of making an unforgivable mistake? I cannot ask those things of people so young.

I have no one. I sit alone and struggle through these things on my own, and wish to die. It is an easy way out...a cowards way out. I understand that. I know what it does to those left behind. I also know that, with my plan, if I didn't succeed, I may be institutionalized for a VERY long time. It could permanently derail everything that I want for myself. It would be a huge risk to take. If I plan well enough, however, it could be a sure thing.

I don't like being alone. I want someone. How can I have so many people and be so completely alone? I don't want to be alone.

Me

More bad news

I will keep this one short. I am sure that there is a lot more to say, but I have a lot of homework to do...and I don't know what to say about everything that has happened this week anyways.

I called my mother yesterday. We talk every weekend. She told me about the death of someone that occurred on Monday. (I would describe who...but it's really complicated). Well...guess I'll try. It was my step-mother's step-dad who died. I hadn't ever had a chance to spend a lot of time with him, but he was still important to me. Everything always seems to happen at once.

I found out a while ago that my grandfather has lung cancer. I don't know if I ever got around to writing about that. He already has COPD and emphysema. He decided to forgo treatment. I can understand why. It wouldn't prolong his life that long and would decrease the quality, even if it worked for a little while.

I kind of feel like I have had my "3" (with three bad things happening including finding out that he was sick), but then again...I am waiting for the other shoe to drop when I find out that HE has died too.

Right now it's just a major distraction. I still really do NOT want to deal with anything.

On a completely unrelated note...

The SO has been really moody and distant lately. I know that he has been really tired and was fighting off a cold for a long time (and it finally caught up with him), but there was more to it than that. I'm smarter when it comes to things like that than he gives me credit for sometimes.

It had been quite a while since the last instance of s*x...at least 3 weeks I guess. I had a nagging suspicion that it had something to do with that, but he won't ever admit to that. Last night (despite the fact that I have a TON of homework this weekend and really didn't have the time or energy for it) I gave in to make him happy. I am going to wait and see if he is in a better mood today and for the next few days. If he is, and it stays consistent, then I will have really strong evidence that that is still how he assesses the quality of our relationship. I'm a little tired of that pressure. If that is the case, it may really be time for a conversation.

I wish I really knew what to do...and how to do it.

Me

Domino effect

How do so many unrelated things come together like this?

Five years ago, my friend committed suicide. I knew only her first name, having met her in the hospital. We had a lot in common, and got close very quickly. I was discharged to the day program, and she stayed in the unit. I never knew anyone related to her, no family or friends. I cried when I found out and then moved past it, almost as though it had never happened. This past fall, I started college. I took a class, psych 101, in which we had to write a series of papers. One of the papers involved writing about psychological disorders. The assignment was to find two blogs about a particular disorder and use them to write this paper. I liked the blogs that I had found and decided to keep up with them. Today, I read a recent post (from today) on one of them. The post detailed the suicide of one of the blogger's friends. The details were eerily familiar. We emailed back and forth a few times (all the while I was hoping that the name she used was the person's real name and not a pseudonym). It was the same one that I knew.

It has had a more profound effect than I ever could have guessed. It feels like being hit by a bus. I think that I wrote earlier that when one memory comes back (her suicide) another related memory comes back too. They came back earlier this week, but they were distant and not really upsetting. And then, the blog.

It all feels very immediate again, as though her suicide and the "other situation" just happened yesterday instead of 5 years ago. I truly felt like a bus just ran over me, blindsided by the whole thing. How can you ever expect or prepare for something like that?

I texted a friend that I knew gives great hugs and begged for one...ended up getting a couple. I told her what had happened, lost all of my words (it's the first time I've ever known what it felt like to be at a TOTAL loss for words), and cried. She told me something that she knew I wouldn't want to here. Maybe this happened now because it is time for me to deal with it, since I couldn't then, so that it doesn't keep coming back periodically to haunt me anymore. I hate that idea. I do not WANT to remember. I do not WANT to deal with it.

I went to dinner with my friends and tried to take my mind off of it for a little bit. It worked because I have awesome friends. Walking home tonight, I was thinking about another thing that my awesome hugging friend said. She told me that I had to cry. The tears are already done. It's amazing that the tears are already gone. I thought about why I don't cry. It was a crazy series of thoughts. Here goes:

I don't cry because it isn't safe. Why isn't is safe? Because if I cried, then mom would get upset and cry, then I felt bad so I'd stop and make her feel better. I didn't like how it felt to see her cry, so I stopped showing that I was upset ever. But that doesn't explain why I can't cry now. Why can't I cry now? I don't know. Yes you do. Okay, I can't cry now because the SO is Mr. Pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps. He would get mad at me, or be irritated with me at least, if I allowed myself to wallow in grief. I just can't cry.

And THEN...

I started running over all of the people I've lost. I've lost too many for my age. I've lost far too many to suicide. And I also realized that I've never grieved. Someone dies and I cry for a day (that actually means that I cry for 30 minutes to two hours and then am just done). The following day it still bothers me but is more distant. Over time, within about a week, I may have forgotten that the person is gone. If I haven't blocked it out, I have pushed it far enough away that it doesn't really bother me anymore. Is one day enough to grieve? I always just thought that I was good at it and didn't need more time. However, the fact that I feel like I was hit by a bus this evening, and like I am reliving (in equal intensity) that original day when I found out, begs a question. Do I still have to grieve for my friend? And another question, if I've never actually grieved for anyone I have lost, do I have to grieve for them all eventually?

She ties into so much...mom, crying, grieving, so many deaths, the "other situation" (and compounding things is that the "other situation" ties into a whole different set of things on top of it all). I don't want to handle this. There is a definite need to cry. I can feel the internal pressure of it. But I do not WANT to deal with this. I want it to go away again. I am exhausted thinking about it. This evening has been absolutely exhausting.

I really wish that I knew what to do next.

This really sucks...it hurts a lot.

Me

This hurts...it REALLY REALLY hurts

On one of the blogs that I follow, I just read a post. It is about a suicide that happened 5 years ago. The details, they are all TOO familiar. My friend...she died...in the hospital...and...I called...

Everyone said "unavailable"...then we found out downstairs in group...but they wouldn't say who...and wouldn't let us leave the room...but then I did...and went to the phone...and called the unit...

I asked for my friend again...and then another friend, and another, and another...the person said "unavailable" for them all...

I asked who had died...and she said, "the first one you asked for"...and I crumbled onto the floor...and cried...

And I block it out...for long periods of time...something else bad happened around then...so they are closely tied together...when I remember one, I remember the other...

This week I remembered the other...and her death came back too...but I put it aside...and then this post...this post...

And all of its details...so similar...except for the name...but that may be a pseudonym...or maybe I knew one of her others...I don't know...I just don't know...

Maybe it isn't the same...but what if it is...???

It hurts...this REALLY REALLY hurts.

Me (but wishing it was someone else and I was far away)

Changes to the way I post

There are going to be a few changes in the way I post on this blog. Some posts will continue to be simple updates on school, activities, T, and life in general. However, I have decided (after a conversation with the counselor yesterday) that I am going to start using this blog as a sort of "dump site." There are so many things that come into my head, and I do not feel safe enough to express them. I would write them down in a journal and put it away, but that doesn't work for me anymore (that method broke down after someone read the journal once). The counselor offered to let me email things to her with "Do not read" in the subject line. I trust that she wouldn't read anything without permission, but in a way that is the same as it is now. It all still belongs to me, and me alone. I need for these things to see the light of day, but am terrified of the risks in doing so. I have a good idea that anyone who does read this blog will stop once they read the deepest and darkest of secrets that I keep. However, I still need to do this.

These posts are not up for discussion in T or counseling. I am sure that they will help to fill in gaps for both parties to some extent at least. Although I am completely unwilling to discuss them at present. (I am aware of how "absolutist" of a statement that is, but simply don't care.) Writing this at all is extremely difficult, and I would not get anywhere near this information in counseling or T for a very long time. I hope that they can both be content to simply know things that they otherwise wouldn't, and will not try to push the envelope too much. Blogs are movable. The information doesn't have to stay here if I deem that it simply isn't safe.

I will put a warning at the top of any post that is potentially triggering for those who need to practice self-care. I would ask that anyone who reads here please not use those posts to purposely trigger themselves.

A lot is going on, so I am sure I will be starting this soon (as soon as I actually have time, which is not often considering my current schedule).

Me

Time flies

It's hard for me to believe that it is Sunday night already. A few hours ago it was early Monday morning and I was getting ready to go to my first class of the semester. A few minutes ago it was Friday afternoon and I had the whole weekend ahead of me. Now it's nearly over and I sit back and wonder where it went. I guess that it flew by so fast because I stayed busy. Unfortunately, I could use another day or two of being busy to get everything done. I am glad that tomorrow is a holiday so I have an extra day to do work. I'm going to need it. I still have to finish reading and taking notes on one chapter for one class. I have to read and take notes on a chapter for another class. For a third class, I have to read an article and prepare some notes before watching a video on Tuesday. I also have to do some work for my French class tomorrow, and read ahead a bit in two other classes so I can get started drafting papers that will all come due at the same time. It's been insanely busy thus far this weekend. It is only going to get worse.

I also have T tomorrow, along with choreography rehearsal at the high school, and events going on at the college for MLK Day. With the work that I still have to do, it is going to be crazy and hectic.

My friends all think I am nuts. I told one of them today that I would see her next weekend. Unfortunately, that really is about what it amounts to. I am going to have no life this semester.

I am a little worried about T tomorrow morning. Worried isn't actually the right word, but I don't really know what is.

Back to work for me.
Me

Relation complication

The SO came to me last night and said that he just felt like we really weren't close. Apparently he has felt like that for a while, and it isn't just related to s*x this time. He feels like we are basically just friends and roommates, and wondered aloud if that isn't all that we should be. He asked me, with all of my goals and aspirations in life, if I really feel like I am capable of being in a relationship. I told him yes because I am not willing to wait until I have accomplished every single thing that I want out of life before I try to be in a relationship and have a family, that by then it would be too late. I expressed MY opinion that there are people who do have successful relationships in this type of situation, but that we just might not be one of those couples.

Our schedules aren't exactly compatible. He works two jobs; the first is from about 4:30 to 10:30 PM (including travel time) cleaning offices, and his second job is driving a delivery truck overnight. I usually only see him for about an hour from the time he gets home from the first job until the time he has to leave for the second. I also see him a little bit on Saturdays and we can spend all day Sunday together. We also have Monday nights together, but that doesn't stand for much since we're both sleeping. I am in school all day, during the few hours that he is awake each day as well as many during which he sleeps. I can understand where he is coming from, but I also wish that he could see other perspectives. He truly believes that I am not capable of being in a relationship because of my schedule, goals, etc. What he doesn't understand, or maybe doesn't realize, is that many couples with awful schedules, or where both people are full time students, do quite well with each other. I really don't know what the solution to the problem is.

He suggested that maybe we should just be roommates and best friends and nothing more, but the conversation was still left unresolved as always. That conversation never leads to resolution (although I hope that it will eventually) because I don't think that either one of us is ready to make that move. It wouldn't be a bad move really. For me there would be no more pressure to be physical in ways that make me uncomfortable. He could pursue other interests and find someone who needed as much involvement as he does, which I think would make him happier. I could engage in activities without feeling guilty, and he wouldn't feel like he has to tolerate my college activities because it would be cruel to make me give it all up.

On the other hand, it is a lot of work and time lost to give up now. We are more than three years into this relationship, and some parts of it have been REALLY bad. It is hard to simply throw it all away, when it has finally reached some kind of balance. It is far from good, but the improvement over where it started is so great. It is difficult to think of throwing all of the time and investment away.

I have no idea what is best. In some ways, I think that his suggestion last night really is the right thing to do. In other ways, I would rather not think that way or head in that direction.

Once again, I have no idea what to do.

Me

Lost, Found, Lost

This week has been crazy and exhausting for me. School started back on Monday which was absolutely wonderful. Unfortunately, I have an absolutely nutty schedule. Somehow (I know how, but it still doesn't seem possible)I ended up with 5.5 credits worth of courses (6 classes). I usually structure my life by working as far ahead during the weekends as I can. I get all of the reading for the entire week done, and do as much other work as I can. Unfortunately, in the first week of classes, you don't get all of your assignments for the week until Monday. That means that I have been cramming in work during every spare moment all week long. I was staying up late and getting up early just to try to get it all done. I made it (nearly...with the slight exception of three pages of psychology reading that didn't get done, but that is out of about 100). Tonight, I find myself simply exhausted. It has just been a very long week. I would like to get deep into the work that I have to do for next week tonight, but I have a feeling that I will be in bed by 10 o'clock at the latest. I need the rest. Luckily, Monday is a holiday and I only have one academic class on Tuesday, so I have a little bit of extra time in which to get ahead for next week and caught up for this past week (I had no chance to take notes on anything that I read). I made myself a "To Do" list so that I can keep all of the work that I have to do straight this weekend and upcoming week. I think that I will do that every week because it really does seem to help me. I have one thing completed, and about 20 more to go. I started working on the next reading assignment, but every time I try to really read and focus, I get so tired I can barely keep my eyes on the page. This blog is providing a temporary break until I head back for more reading.

I have discovered that the beginning of February is going to be a little bit crazy. I have three papers due in one week and a fourth due the following Monday. It will definitely be a little bit hectic. I am thrilled that I know that now because it means that I can get a start on all of them and still have time to go to the writing help center. I want better grades on my papers this semester. I did really well in my one class last semester, but the other class could definitely have been better. I have that same professor again this semester, so I know that I have to up my game. I am very glad that the week is over though. I now have a little bit of time to relax (sort of) and sleep (absolutely necessary). Relaxation will probably take the form of curling up with a good textbook.

I am glad that I got into the classes that I did though. I have all good professors, and really like all of my classes. Some of them will be tougher than others, but I think I am up for the challenge. I sure hope I am anyways. I want to at least keep my GPA this semester, if not increase it. I have a lot of people in my corner though, and that helps a lot. Everyone here pulls for your success, and cares a lot. It's going to be an awesome semester for me.

On another note, I had T on Wednesday. We finally got into this "Internal Family Systems Therapy" that we had been working towards for a few weeks now. "e" was the one who was doing the work with "A" and the T. At the end the T commented to me that she is a very sad girl. The comment really struck me, although it didn't surprise me in the least. I've always known that she was sad. The only thing that I think brings her any small joy at all is dancing, ballet. Even internally I was aware of some deep pain inside of her. The thought that has always come to mind when I wanted to describe her was "broken." Her spirit seems broken in some fundamental way that breaks my heart. She is far too young to be so hurt. The thing that struck me was that someone else saw it. In a lot of ways, I still find that denial of everything hard to shake. It is easy to tell myself that she is just a figment of my imagination and I am seeing her in a way that isn't really there. Maybe I simply want her to be broken because that would mean she was traumatized and it would fit in well in T. Having someone else actually say that she seemed so sad helped me to accept that she really is, and I am not simply trying to project those feelings onto her.

One thing that is supposed to happen is that everything is supposed to be kind of contained from me for the time being. (At least, I thought that was the deal in the beginning.) That sort of happened I guess, but then again...not really. After T, I found that I could remember some of the things that she brought up. It was like remembering something that you knew a really long time ago, but had forgotten completely. I just kept thinking, "I used to know this." None of it seemed bad though. I mean, none of it seemed particularly traumatic or awful. It just...was. It existed. It is hard to understand why it hurts her so much, because none of it seems all that bad. Maybe that is because it is contained from me to a point, enough that I can't access the emotions of it all. Maybe it is because I don't really experience those kinds of emotions to any major extent anyways. I'm not really sure. I noticed a little bit yesterday, and more so today, that it is slipping farther away again. I can still remember if I really reach out for it, but it isn't as easy. I am a little bit afraid that it is going to slip totally away again. I suppose if it does, that is okay. I just wish that, since I've found it and it really doesn't bother me, I could hang onto the rememberings. It may not be meant for me yet though. I have no idea where this process is really going or what is going to happen along the way. I'm just holding on for the ride and hoping that it comes out where I'd like it to. In the meantime, I am going to focus on school and wait for Monday when we go back to do it all over again. I think that "e" is going to work again, although I'm really not sure. I guess I'll find out when we get there.

Me

Cold and hot, getting ready

Our heat went out the night before last. We have those old fashioned radiators. They work great and keep the house toasty...usually. I woke up during the night on Friday night and noticed that it was pretty cold in the house, but I was too tired and lazy to climb out of bed and turn up the thermostat. In the morning, I turned up the heat, but nothing seemed to be happening. I went to dance at 9 o'clock. When I got home, it wasn't any warmer...and had probably gotten a lot colder. It was 60 degrees inside (and 29 outside) when the SO finally called the guy who takes care of the building. We tried a few things, and at 4 o'clock it was apparent that nothing was really working. They called in a furnace guy who had to replace out thermostat. Finally, we had a warm house again. Warmth is good considering how much I absolutely hate to be cold.

I spent the day trying to get the house in order because I go back to school tomorrow. I did three loads of laundry, cleaned out the fishbowl (I am fish-sitting for a friend), organized the bedroom and kitchen a bit. I also had to go through my backpack and get it organized again. I was amazed at how much trash I pulled out of it, and things that I had accumulated during the semester but really didn't need to carry. Now it's organized.

I drove over for dinner this evening, and managed to catch up with a couple of friends. That was cool. I also went and looked at the zip cars. I have one reserved for tomorrow (and as it turns out it is the one that has NOT had the snow cleaned off of it). I wanted to see where they were and just check in. I'm going to go over first thing in the morning before I eat breakfast or go to my first class and clean it off. Once I get out of my last class, I have exactly 30 minutes (including getting out of class and to the car) to make a solid 30 minute drive. I don't think it's going to happen anyways , but having to clean off and defrost the car would set me even further behind.

Last night, I was up until about 5:30 am. I don't really know why. I've been staying up progressively later and later. That HAS to stop tonight. I have to be up at about 6:30 so that I can be over at the college at 7 for breakfast, or close to it anyways. I may have to drug myself to sleep tonight. I have a couple more hours until then though, so maybe I'll get tired. I did only sleep about 4 hours last night though. Maybe I'll get lucky.

Hopefully school goes well for me tomorrow.

Me

Cool day, some bad news, and feeling yucky

Today was a pretty awesome day, although a little bitter-sweet. All semester, I have been spending a couple of hours every Friday at a local preschool. Even when the semester ended and I no longer had to go, I kept it up anyways because I enjoyed it so much. Today was my last day. I go back to school next week and just don't have the time to go anymore. I'll have to go to a school again for a class that I am in, but it won't be preschool this time. There simply aren't enough hours in the week to go to all of my classes and to two different placements in the community. Although it was a really fun day with the kids today, it was sad because I knew that this would be my last day. One of the little girls, E, didn't want me to leave today. I had to promise to come back and visit on my school vacations and days off before she would let me leave. I'll really miss the kids. They were really awesome to spend time with. I said all of my goodbyes, and was told to come and visit any time. It's nice to know that I'll be welcomed back with open arms.

This afternoon, I went to another school. Back before the start of the holiday break, one of the faculty at the college sent out an email looking for someone to help a local private high school with a theater production. I had just done this same show at another theater last spring, so I was already familiar with it when I responded. I went and spent one day with some of the kids before they all went home for Christmas, and had a fun time. Today was my first official day with them though. We actually started working on the show. It was a blast. They are an absolutely awesome group. I'm always nervous in situations like that. I don't like standing up in front of people, and I don't have a whole lot of confidence. Luckily, once I got going, it wasn't so bad. I threw a TON at them today during the rehearsal, and didn't expect them to handle it nearly as well as they did. They REALLY impressed me today. I'm going back on Monday, and cannot wait. I'll have to work on some more things for them for then. We'll probably stick to the same number that we were working on today, but will review and actually get places for everything. It's going to be a lot of fun over the next couple of months working with them all.

When I got home, I had a sudden awful pain in my back. My first thought was that it might be a kidney infection because I has symptoms of a UTI early in the week. They went away though. I decided to "wait and see" though because the movement that I did today could be responsible for the pain. I'll wait to see if other symptoms appear or if the pain subsides within a couple of days. If I get sicker or the pain gets worse, then I'll go see someone about it.

All in all, not a bad day.

Unfortunately, when I talked to my mom last weekend, she gave me some really bad news. My grandfather has lung cancer. Since he also has emphysema and COPD, he's decided not to have it treated. It wouldn't prolong his life that much anyways, even if they got it into remission. I feel like I should be more upset about it than I am, but I've never been close to him. He is an emotionally and verbally abusive a**h***. He isn't even truly my grandfather. He is just my grandmother's third or fourth husband. I was never really close to my grandparents. My great grandparents raised my mother, one aunt, and one uncle. I visited them every Sunday for dinner (nearly) while they were alive. I was extremely close to them. Their deaths were hard for me, although I'm not sure I truly ever grieved for either one. Hearing about my grandfather, I'm sorry that it is happening to him, but don't have any real feelings about it.

All for today I suppose.

Me

A bad day, but it didn't start that way

Although the morning started a little off, it wasn't really that bad. I had to take the SO out to pick up a moving truck so he could help a friend move. Unfortunately, I forgot about that and decided to sleep in a bit. By the time I got up and got ready (and he finished getting ready), we only had 20 minutes to get clear across town and for me to get back to T. It had snowed, just a dusting but the car still had to be cleaned off. We had 16 minutes to make the trip. I walked into T eight minutes late. I cannot stand to be late to anything, so that really bothered me.

Luckily, I got over it when I realized that the T understood and wasn't mad or upset with me. We talked about how I haven't really been sleeping well. That's usually due to nightmares, but I am not remembering any. We also talked about how this might be that kind of situation anyways (even though I'm not remembering) because the other things that usually come along with the nightmares are happening. It's a little different this time, which makes me question if it is actually mine this time. Unfortunately, the most I could do was allude to it. I told him that we won't cover that for a very long time. There are just some topics that are completely off limits.

After T, I had to run some errands. I had to make an exchange at one store, and pick up cat food at another. I also had to stop off at the college to check on my financial aid for this coming semester and to inquire about books. When I was done everything (it didn't take as long as I thought it would which was great), I went home.

I checked on the fish in the tank (we had three goldfish) and I could immediately tell that they were sick. They had something called ick. It's a fish parasite that can be deadly. I put the medicine into the tank, but could see that one of the fish was already dead (my fish as it turned out). I was hoping to save the other two, but didn't hold out much hope. They had gone from no visual symptoms to coated in white fuzz overnight. The other two died over the next two hours. I know the SO thinks that I am silly, but I get really attached to fish. I feel bad because if I had read the back of the "ick medicine" box a week ago, I would have recognized the early signs. They can be mistaken for other things...like normal fish behavior. My fish had gotten caught between a tank decoration and the side of the tank a few weeks back. Once that happened, she started having problems and spent a lot of time floating near the top of the tank. That happens to be an early sign of ick, but I thought that she had damaged her swim bladder when she got trapped. Last night, I saw a tiny white spot on her eye, and considered putting the medication into the tank, but I decided to wait until this morning and see how they were doing. That was the biggest mistake, and I had to find my fish dead and watch the others die slowly because of it.

The SO has decided that he doesn't have the time right now to really take care of fish, so he isn't getting any more right now. I hope that he doesn't get any more for quite a while. It's just too hard when they die.

He disposed of my fish because she died first, but I had to dispose of the second one. Now, he has gone to work. He asked me to turn everything off and dispose of the third fish. It's really hard. He doesn't expect me to clean out the tank, but I can't leave it sitting like that. I'll end up scrubbing it out.

So, the day didn't start out too badly, but it's sure gone downhill from there.

I'll miss ya Spot, Marley, and Chip.

Me

Not sure anymore

I do not feel okay. I am torn between what is real and what isn't...what is mine (technically it's all mine in a weird sort of way) and what doesn't actually belong to me. I could use the rule that only the things that makes sense to me belong to me, but that might not be true. Could what I know about myself be false? That would make it possible for a lot of this stuff that doesn't seem to belong to me to be mine. If, however, I have a reasonably accurate picture of myself, then so much doesn't make sense.

I don't know why I like the things that I do sometimes. They make no sense within my own personal reality. The only way to make sense of it is to explain it as someone else's interest, or to concede that maybe I know nothing about myself and it really is mine. (For that to be true, I would have to be a different age, gender, and other things.) I can't bring myself to admit that I am that horribly different from the way that I perceive myself. I simply cannot do that.

I really don't know what I'm trying to say. It's so vague, I'll be lucky if I understand it later, let alone anyone else trying to make sense of it.

Me