Some new stuff

I did a lot of work today on my website. I decided to link it to the blog, but to do that I had to completely strip it of anything identifiable. There wasn't much, and no one (with the possible exception of the SO) could have figured it out by itself. In coordination with the blog though, it would have been more revealing. I also added another page, one for the twins. The website has a bunch of resources and links, but it is also a place for each one to have a page of their own (a few share, but there are good reasons for those). The site is also a place where we can share our artwork, poetry, and creative writing. I hope that I can continue to put some work into it over break, checking the links and adding pages for more of the others.

When I first started with the current T, I gave him a list of all of the alters, but without any names. I coded them by the first letter of their names and a number because many share the same first initial with at least one other. So, there are four with names that start with "A" and they were listed as "a1" through "a4" for him. We've been working together for a few months now, and I still haven't gotten around to really sharing names. Granted, it isn't exactly my place to share them, but they would really help at this point. He only knows a couple, two or three I think. I guess this is just another way of trying to open up so that we can make some progress and finally get somewhere for once.

As much as I know that I have to push through this, I really do NOT want to. I want to sit in my blissful ignorance until I die. Unfortunately, that is only a fantasy. There is no blissful ignorance. The beginning of remembering shattered that illusion completely. The counselor told me that my attempts to "keep the faith" with the T process show growth, strength, and determination. I just think that I'm crazy.

There is so much fear associated with this. I've never approached anything traumatic, or anything that any of the others know or hold (whether it happens to be traumatic or not). I don't know how to handle it. I really don't know what to do.

Hopefully, linking the website to this will help, at least a little. I'm not really sure how it will help. Maybe it will help the T to understand us a bit better. Maybe it will help me to trust that the world isn't an awful place by revealing yet another piece of myself. Maybe I'm just desperate for anything to work to help me feel better. I don't even know anymore. I'm trying to have faith, but I don't believe that "better" is even possible anymore.

On a completely different note...

I'm not eating much anymore. I don't know why I am suddenly eating so little now that I am on break. I find that I am barely hungry. When I do get hungry, I can't figure out what I want to eat so I just wait it out. I remember now how uncomfortable, and wonderful, that empty feeling is. I try to make sure that I eat because I need to, but I feel vindicated and accomplished when I can wait out the hunger. I usually give in the second time around. That means that I usually eat a small breakfast and a small dinner, but manage to deny lunch. Right now, I'm not quite so worried because my appetite is actually decreased. Some days I really just don't get hungry. I wish that was everyday. I know how careful I have to be, what a slippery slope this is. I know how easy it is to for me to go from enjoying the feeling and being comfortable in control to complete chaos. I don't want to go back to that place, but then again...I really do.

It all comes down to life and death. I don't want to live anymore. I Do Not Want to live anymore. I hate the way this feels. I hate everything. I hate s*x. I hate relationships. I hate pressure and stress and anxiety and nightmares and terror and people and driving and shopping and expectations. I cannot continue to be this way. I WILL not continue to be this way. I will not do this, life, living. I refuse. I want out. I wish that my mother was dead. If she were dead, I could die too. WHY WON'T SHE FUCKING DIE!?!

This better not be bad. I don't know how much I can take. I really hope that this doesn't kill me. I have a bad feeling it will.

Me