A rough and good day

The day started out with T this morning. We talked about random nothingness, like school papers and upcoming finals, for the first few minutes. He mentioned that he had started reading the blog. I already knew that he had called the counselor and how the conversation went. I told him so. I also explained why I had never gotten around to signing a release form for her to talk to him.

He asked if I remembered the last session, but I didn't. I mentioned that it wasn't easily available, but that if I tried really hard I could probably get at least some of it back. He proceeded to relate it all to me. It was pretty overwhelming to hear (a lot had happened), and I started to shut down.

We talked about Internal Family Systems Therapy a little bit. It's the modality that he wants to use with me. It requires the help of a "core self," different than the core personality often talked about in DID circles. The core self is competent and confident, is something that everyone has (multiple or not), and is secure and untraumatized. The idea of that scares me because we tried to access that part once before and it didn't work. What if it isn't there. I mean, there's a guess as to who in the system it might be, but what if we are all wrong? If no core self exists, then what? Is therapy hopeless? How do we find this self? What happens if we can't?

He also brought up "k" again, mentioned how she came out in response to stuff related to "the question." He still thinks that she came out because she wanted to talk, but was also unwilling to talk at the same time. He described her attitude as ambivolent. He was going to ask to speak to "d". I asked him why and he told me that he wanted to know why he ("d") didn't want him to talk to "k". I told him that he didn't need to talk to "d" because I could give him the answers.

A few years ago, the counselor asked a bad question (what do you deserve?), and "k" really fell apart. She crumbled, and disappeared far inside for at least 4 months. We can't afford to lose her like that. We have a set of twins, two sides of the same coin, who keep records of everything that happens outside. They hold different parts of it, but together they hold it all. If they were to have a third, it would be "k". She knows everything inside. She know who everyone is, where they are, what they are doing (except for "the Others," she can't see what they are doing), and what their jobs and problems are. Right now, there aren't enough who are in good shape to hold up the system if she crashes.

He wanted to know what could happen to make it safe for her to talk. I told him that others have to come first. She will be one of the last to reveal and deal with things because the others have to be strong enough to hold up the system without her for a while. Granted, there's no guarantee that she will crumble again, but it isn't worth the risk. Losing her cripples the system, and that is far too dangerous. It simply isn't worth the risk. She can wait until later. There are plenty of others who can go before her. It bothers me in a way because she is so young with so much responsibility, such a big job, and yet she carries so much pain. I hate that she will have to continue to carry the world on her shoulders. It just isn't fair to someone so young.

I wish I knew what to do. The T wants to try to find the "core self" again next time. I'm nervous. There are so many directions that I feel like I should be going. I can't choose one. I am standing still, and I'm sinking into the quicksand. If I don't move soon, I'll die.

So much more...

In brief, went to social security and took care of business, even though it was a day after the due date. I think it will be okay. Turned in the research paper today. Also had a wonderful conversation with one of my professors, R. F-T.. She is wonderful and insightful and supportive and friendly. We get along well. Did laundry and started packing.

So much...but done.

Me