I finally understand

I think I've finally figured out what all of this anxiety and stress is about. First, let me say that the SO has noticed that I'm "different" lately. I took a look and realized that I have been more withdrawn and distant recently. It's taken me some time, but I have an idea why.

During the last session with the T, we figured out who it looks like the core self is. I'm a little relieved because it is one that I know and feel comfortable with (at least mostly). At the same time, it makes me nervous because I have no idea how he is going to get things to work with a core self who can't talk.

I am also just plain scares because this will be the first time that I, well...we, actually attempt anything resembling trauma work. With the first real T (first real one that knew anything about DID when I was an adult anyways), she tried to force me to do it when things in the system were really unstable, and we knew the timing was bad and quit. The next T was awesome, but we spent so much time on stabilization that we didn't really get to anything trauma related, not that I really remembered anything then. Life then was just a mess and it was one current crisis after another. There wasn't time to do trauma work even if we had wanted to do it then. After that, I moved to another state, and couldn't continue to work with her. There hasn't been a good T since I've been in this state for one reason or another. (One fell asleep during sessions; another was simply clueless; the third here had serious boundary issues and I ended up knowing more about his life and issues, as well as those of his other clients, than he knew about my life; yet another was really good, but had ABSOLUTELY NO experience with DID at all.) In short, it's been difficult here. I finally have one that I am really trying to force myself to work with. I mean, I know that he's worthwhile, but I don't trust easily. Diving in like this is simply terrifying. And now, we are looking at doing real "work" the week after Christmas. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know what the others hold. I mean, I know a little...very little, but I don't think that I really WANT to know what they hold. I remember a little, and it's horrible. I don't want to know the rest. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE REST!

I am really terrified of that session after break. I have no idea what he's going to uncover. If I had some idea, it might be easier, but I don't have any clue at all! What am I going to do? I wonder if there is some way not to remember. I find that I am remembering more and more as some of the worst of the walls come down. Some of the more recent walls that recreated total blocks are a good bit more transparent now. That's a good thing, in that I am aware of more during T. Some of it I find distant and dream-like, but usually at least some of it becomes clearer later. So, what all of that rambling means is that I am afraid of knowing what goes on when he tries to work with someone or something. I am more aware now, and know that increases my chances of remembering whatever we work on, and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!

In reality, I do want to know. I just have no idea what's there, and don't want to be crushed by something unexpected.

I am afraid of this.

Me