Yes, the title really does say, "Thoughts of Suicide." It's been on my mind quite a bit lately. Now, that could be because I am on break so I am not keeping busy and my mind has decided to occupy itself. It does that you know, occupies itself. All of those extraneous mental processes have to be working on something. When I am not keeping them all busy enough, they play with the goo. "The goo" is the term coined to refer to all of the nasty stuff that I can't remember at will and have been (and continue to be) running from as fast and as far as is humanly possible.
I find myself preoccupied with nothing inside of my head, having difficulty keeping my grasp on reality, and being generally unmotivated to do anything. A long time ago (really only about 5 or 6 years ago, but that's still about 20% of my life) I stopped taking all of the meds I was on and kept them in an empty Kool Aid container. I was in some program where they only gave me a days worth at a time, but I'd been stockpiling for a long time and the container was nearly full. I don't know who said it, but one of the others told the T or the P-doc about it, and I had to rush home to flush everything before the meds person got there and found them. I made it in time. They sent a crisis team who searched my house. I kept one dose of all of my meds and put them in a drawer. When the crisis team got there and asked me about it, I told them that I had missed a dose once and had decided to keep it as a spare in case my meds person ever didn't show up. I told them right where it was, and they decided that there was no crisis. I'm such a damned good liar.
I stopped taking my meds a couple of months ago. When I started school, I found that I kept forgetting to take them. One of them is dangerous if you forget doses, because it can have some really bad side effects (including death) if you stop and start it. The dose has to be worked up very slowly to prevent a deadly adverse reaction. I just decided not to keep missing a day or two and then taking one, that it was too dangerous and not worth it. I was thinking today about how much medication I have in the house, everything from narcotics to tranquilizers to bi-polar meds, as well as a bunch of over the counter stuff. I doubt it would be enough to kill me, and getting that much would take some time. Luckily, I have a bunch of refills on all of my scripts (the psych ones anyways) and could easily GET enough. It might be time consuming to collect enough medication, but it wouldn't be hard. And it would give me time to accumulate more over-the-counter stuff too.
Why is all of that on my mind? I have no idea. Cutting has been another common thought, as well as starvation. It's a serious consideration right now. The only thing that prevents the cutting is the knowledge that I really can't hide it. I mean, I probably could to an extent, but the risk of discovery is HUGE! The SO's pretty observant, and there's a really big chance that he would spot it. I don't want to even think about that conflict.
Starvation is a bit easier. So long as food disappears, he doesn't need to know whether or not I actually consume it. He sleeps pretty much all day long, and is at work all evening and night. It's not like it would be hard to deceive him on that count.
I don't know why self-destruction is on my mind so much right now. I really wish that it wasn't.
T is in three more days, Monday. We are going to "do something" with one of the others or a memory or some such thing. I am still scared. I don't want to go. I want it to be tomorrow to get it over with. I'd actually rather be dead than any of the above options. Life sucks, then you die. I don't know who said that, but whoever it was is (or was) brilliant.
Me
26 December 2008
25 December 2008
Title: "Having a Merry Christmas" (OR Little Girl)
Well, Merry Christmas. It was a really nice day. As much as the SO hates shopping, and resisted shopping for Christmas, he did a really good job. Of course, I made it a bit easier when I went to the store with my digital camera and took pictures of everything that I wanted. I also gave him a list with directions to all of the items. He admitted to actually having fun doing it yesterday. He was happy with his present and stocking stuffers too. That really makes my day. I enjoy giving things to other people, even more than getting gifts. Although, I have to admit that it is a lot of fun to get things too. One of the things that I got was a new bedding set...complete with bed skirt, sheets, pillow cases, and a comforter. I can't wait to put it on the bed tonight. The SO works tonight, so I'll get to sleep in the new bedding for the first time all by myself. And it will be a nice surprise to see it on the bed when he gets home in the morning!
I also cooked dinner. I've been cooking for the holidays for a couple of years now, since I was about 25. I really enjoy doing it. My Great-grandmother was English, so I like to do an English Christmas dinner. It's what I grew up with. I bought a really expensive rib roast (my first) and spent most of the day cooking it. I had to make my apple pie this morning and send it over to the SO's kids house for them to bake it because our oven is screwy and you can't set it to an exact temperature...it's quite the guessing game. I also made Yorkshire pudding for the first time. It was a huge meal, and everyone was so full, they didn't even have room for desert. That just means that the SO and I have a whole apple pie all to ourselves, along with all of the leftovers (which currently fill my fridge).
When everyone had left (the SO's kids and younger siblings come over to eat with us), he decided that he had to have s*x again...the first time being late last night/early this morning, depending on how you look at it. The first time, it went quickly enough and I went to bed. Unfortunately, he had to thank me again this morning. He has no idea how much that bugs me, and I don't know how to tell him. I have this sense that maybe I have told him that before, but I can't really grasp it...whether or not it really happened, and if so, when it happened. He also told me that it was "better," which means that he felt connected. It really bothers me that he thinks that I really enjoy it once we get started. I truly don't. I'm good at faking enjoyment. I don't enjoy it and would happily avoid it forever if I could. He has no idea. This evening he used that familiar phrase that makes me want to scream. It seemed to go on forever (which I hate because I want it to be over as soon as humanly possible), and he kept saying things like "come on little girl," and "that's a good girl." I HATE when he does that. It makes my skin crawl and makes me want to scream. I have no idea how to broach that subject though, so I keep it to myself.
I have a lot of work to do over the next few days. I can't wait until Monday when I go back to T. Having an entire week off was good, and bad. Nice to have a break, but miserable to be "waiting."
Well...merry Christmas...another one gone by... Wish I had the money to go Christmas shopping after Christmas. The sales tomorrow will be crazy, and I could get a major head start for next year. Oh well. Nothing to be done about it. Holidays wiped me out this year. I'll just have to start my shopping next month, and hope for some lasting good sales.
Me
I also cooked dinner. I've been cooking for the holidays for a couple of years now, since I was about 25. I really enjoy doing it. My Great-grandmother was English, so I like to do an English Christmas dinner. It's what I grew up with. I bought a really expensive rib roast (my first) and spent most of the day cooking it. I had to make my apple pie this morning and send it over to the SO's kids house for them to bake it because our oven is screwy and you can't set it to an exact temperature...it's quite the guessing game. I also made Yorkshire pudding for the first time. It was a huge meal, and everyone was so full, they didn't even have room for desert. That just means that the SO and I have a whole apple pie all to ourselves, along with all of the leftovers (which currently fill my fridge).
When everyone had left (the SO's kids and younger siblings come over to eat with us), he decided that he had to have s*x again...the first time being late last night/early this morning, depending on how you look at it. The first time, it went quickly enough and I went to bed. Unfortunately, he had to thank me again this morning. He has no idea how much that bugs me, and I don't know how to tell him. I have this sense that maybe I have told him that before, but I can't really grasp it...whether or not it really happened, and if so, when it happened. He also told me that it was "better," which means that he felt connected. It really bothers me that he thinks that I really enjoy it once we get started. I truly don't. I'm good at faking enjoyment. I don't enjoy it and would happily avoid it forever if I could. He has no idea. This evening he used that familiar phrase that makes me want to scream. It seemed to go on forever (which I hate because I want it to be over as soon as humanly possible), and he kept saying things like "come on little girl," and "that's a good girl." I HATE when he does that. It makes my skin crawl and makes me want to scream. I have no idea how to broach that subject though, so I keep it to myself.
I have a lot of work to do over the next few days. I can't wait until Monday when I go back to T. Having an entire week off was good, and bad. Nice to have a break, but miserable to be "waiting."
Well...merry Christmas...another one gone by... Wish I had the money to go Christmas shopping after Christmas. The sales tomorrow will be crazy, and I could get a major head start for next year. Oh well. Nothing to be done about it. Holidays wiped me out this year. I'll just have to start my shopping next month, and hope for some lasting good sales.
Me
23 December 2008
Depression setting in
I find that the longer I am on break from school, the more depressed I am becoming. I find it hard to drag myself off of the couch, and making food to eat seems like a hassle that isn't worth the trouble. Two nights in a row I was up until 4 am and then had to get up early the same morning. I really don't know what's going on. I am more spacey and irritable and less tolerant.
I wish I could pinpoint exactly what is going on. I'll have to take some time tomorrow to try meditation and see if I can get some internal communication going. If it isn't working, maybe I'll collage. That used to work really well when we needed to communicate (before we learned how to write back and forth and then to talk inside).
I don't like feeling this way, anxious and edgy, depressed, spacey, disconnected.
It's almost Christmas. I finished my shopping today, and handled all of the stocking stuff. I would like to get a table top fountain for the kitties, but that's yet to be seen. All of the necessities (including toys for the kitties) are done now. I am thrilled. In a few days, it will all be over.
Me
I wish I could pinpoint exactly what is going on. I'll have to take some time tomorrow to try meditation and see if I can get some internal communication going. If it isn't working, maybe I'll collage. That used to work really well when we needed to communicate (before we learned how to write back and forth and then to talk inside).
I don't like feeling this way, anxious and edgy, depressed, spacey, disconnected.
It's almost Christmas. I finished my shopping today, and handled all of the stocking stuff. I would like to get a table top fountain for the kitties, but that's yet to be seen. All of the necessities (including toys for the kitties) are done now. I am thrilled. In a few days, it will all be over.
Me
21 December 2008
No idea
I worked on the website more today. I decided to try to put together another page. It's getting easier now, but keeping all of the tables inside of tables inside of tables straight is still a major challenge. (The link for the site is over to the right under "Our Favorite Links."
I am really trying to get on top of things. I need to find a CD so that I can start work on the choreography that I need to get done by the first full week of January. I also need to get back to looking at that French book. I have to really buckle down and study it so that when I get to level 2 French I am not completely lost. I also need to do some research for a show that I will be costuming for this coming summer. It's going to be a big job, and I need to use all of the time I can get. I also still want to spend some time working on the website. If I have any time left over (yeah-right) I'm just going to relax, read some good books, and chat with friends on the computer.
I couldn't sleep last night, and didn't fall asleep until 4:30 this morning. I had to be up again at 8. Needless to say, it caught up with me this afternoon and I crashed, hard. I fell asleep around 4 o'clock and slept until about 8:45 pm. Of course, that was after I went and saw a performance this afternoon. I came home, worked for a bit on graphics for the website, and then laid down after I found myself nearly passing out on the couch.
Somehow, even though I slept for most of the evening, I am tired again. I am going to look for the CD and go to bed.
Good night moon,
Me
I am really trying to get on top of things. I need to find a CD so that I can start work on the choreography that I need to get done by the first full week of January. I also need to get back to looking at that French book. I have to really buckle down and study it so that when I get to level 2 French I am not completely lost. I also need to do some research for a show that I will be costuming for this coming summer. It's going to be a big job, and I need to use all of the time I can get. I also still want to spend some time working on the website. If I have any time left over (yeah-right) I'm just going to relax, read some good books, and chat with friends on the computer.
I couldn't sleep last night, and didn't fall asleep until 4:30 this morning. I had to be up again at 8. Needless to say, it caught up with me this afternoon and I crashed, hard. I fell asleep around 4 o'clock and slept until about 8:45 pm. Of course, that was after I went and saw a performance this afternoon. I came home, worked for a bit on graphics for the website, and then laid down after I found myself nearly passing out on the couch.
Somehow, even though I slept for most of the evening, I am tired again. I am going to look for the CD and go to bed.
Good night moon,
Me
19 December 2008
Some new stuff
I did a lot of work today on my website. I decided to link it to the blog, but to do that I had to completely strip it of anything identifiable. There wasn't much, and no one (with the possible exception of the SO) could have figured it out by itself. In coordination with the blog though, it would have been more revealing. I also added another page, one for the twins. The website has a bunch of resources and links, but it is also a place for each one to have a page of their own (a few share, but there are good reasons for those). The site is also a place where we can share our artwork, poetry, and creative writing. I hope that I can continue to put some work into it over break, checking the links and adding pages for more of the others.
When I first started with the current T, I gave him a list of all of the alters, but without any names. I coded them by the first letter of their names and a number because many share the same first initial with at least one other. So, there are four with names that start with "A" and they were listed as "a1" through "a4" for him. We've been working together for a few months now, and I still haven't gotten around to really sharing names. Granted, it isn't exactly my place to share them, but they would really help at this point. He only knows a couple, two or three I think. I guess this is just another way of trying to open up so that we can make some progress and finally get somewhere for once.
As much as I know that I have to push through this, I really do NOT want to. I want to sit in my blissful ignorance until I die. Unfortunately, that is only a fantasy. There is no blissful ignorance. The beginning of remembering shattered that illusion completely. The counselor told me that my attempts to "keep the faith" with the T process show growth, strength, and determination. I just think that I'm crazy.
There is so much fear associated with this. I've never approached anything traumatic, or anything that any of the others know or hold (whether it happens to be traumatic or not). I don't know how to handle it. I really don't know what to do.
Hopefully, linking the website to this will help, at least a little. I'm not really sure how it will help. Maybe it will help the T to understand us a bit better. Maybe it will help me to trust that the world isn't an awful place by revealing yet another piece of myself. Maybe I'm just desperate for anything to work to help me feel better. I don't even know anymore. I'm trying to have faith, but I don't believe that "better" is even possible anymore.
On a completely different note...
I'm not eating much anymore. I don't know why I am suddenly eating so little now that I am on break. I find that I am barely hungry. When I do get hungry, I can't figure out what I want to eat so I just wait it out. I remember now how uncomfortable, and wonderful, that empty feeling is. I try to make sure that I eat because I need to, but I feel vindicated and accomplished when I can wait out the hunger. I usually give in the second time around. That means that I usually eat a small breakfast and a small dinner, but manage to deny lunch. Right now, I'm not quite so worried because my appetite is actually decreased. Some days I really just don't get hungry. I wish that was everyday. I know how careful I have to be, what a slippery slope this is. I know how easy it is to for me to go from enjoying the feeling and being comfortable in control to complete chaos. I don't want to go back to that place, but then again...I really do.
It all comes down to life and death. I don't want to live anymore. I Do Not Want to live anymore. I hate the way this feels. I hate everything. I hate s*x. I hate relationships. I hate pressure and stress and anxiety and nightmares and terror and people and driving and shopping and expectations. I cannot continue to be this way. I WILL not continue to be this way. I will not do this, life, living. I refuse. I want out. I wish that my mother was dead. If she were dead, I could die too. WHY WON'T SHE FUCKING DIE!?!
This better not be bad. I don't know how much I can take. I really hope that this doesn't kill me. I have a bad feeling it will.
Me
When I first started with the current T, I gave him a list of all of the alters, but without any names. I coded them by the first letter of their names and a number because many share the same first initial with at least one other. So, there are four with names that start with "A" and they were listed as "a1" through "a4" for him. We've been working together for a few months now, and I still haven't gotten around to really sharing names. Granted, it isn't exactly my place to share them, but they would really help at this point. He only knows a couple, two or three I think. I guess this is just another way of trying to open up so that we can make some progress and finally get somewhere for once.
As much as I know that I have to push through this, I really do NOT want to. I want to sit in my blissful ignorance until I die. Unfortunately, that is only a fantasy. There is no blissful ignorance. The beginning of remembering shattered that illusion completely. The counselor told me that my attempts to "keep the faith" with the T process show growth, strength, and determination. I just think that I'm crazy.
There is so much fear associated with this. I've never approached anything traumatic, or anything that any of the others know or hold (whether it happens to be traumatic or not). I don't know how to handle it. I really don't know what to do.
Hopefully, linking the website to this will help, at least a little. I'm not really sure how it will help. Maybe it will help the T to understand us a bit better. Maybe it will help me to trust that the world isn't an awful place by revealing yet another piece of myself. Maybe I'm just desperate for anything to work to help me feel better. I don't even know anymore. I'm trying to have faith, but I don't believe that "better" is even possible anymore.
On a completely different note...
I'm not eating much anymore. I don't know why I am suddenly eating so little now that I am on break. I find that I am barely hungry. When I do get hungry, I can't figure out what I want to eat so I just wait it out. I remember now how uncomfortable, and wonderful, that empty feeling is. I try to make sure that I eat because I need to, but I feel vindicated and accomplished when I can wait out the hunger. I usually give in the second time around. That means that I usually eat a small breakfast and a small dinner, but manage to deny lunch. Right now, I'm not quite so worried because my appetite is actually decreased. Some days I really just don't get hungry. I wish that was everyday. I know how careful I have to be, what a slippery slope this is. I know how easy it is to for me to go from enjoying the feeling and being comfortable in control to complete chaos. I don't want to go back to that place, but then again...I really do.
It all comes down to life and death. I don't want to live anymore. I Do Not Want to live anymore. I hate the way this feels. I hate everything. I hate s*x. I hate relationships. I hate pressure and stress and anxiety and nightmares and terror and people and driving and shopping and expectations. I cannot continue to be this way. I WILL not continue to be this way. I will not do this, life, living. I refuse. I want out. I wish that my mother was dead. If she were dead, I could die too. WHY WON'T SHE FUCKING DIE!?!
This better not be bad. I don't know how much I can take. I really hope that this doesn't kill me. I have a bad feeling it will.
Me
I finally understand
I think I've finally figured out what all of this anxiety and stress is about. First, let me say that the SO has noticed that I'm "different" lately. I took a look and realized that I have been more withdrawn and distant recently. It's taken me some time, but I have an idea why.
During the last session with the T, we figured out who it looks like the core self is. I'm a little relieved because it is one that I know and feel comfortable with (at least mostly). At the same time, it makes me nervous because I have no idea how he is going to get things to work with a core self who can't talk.
I am also just plain scares because this will be the first time that I, well...we, actually attempt anything resembling trauma work. With the first real T (first real one that knew anything about DID when I was an adult anyways), she tried to force me to do it when things in the system were really unstable, and we knew the timing was bad and quit. The next T was awesome, but we spent so much time on stabilization that we didn't really get to anything trauma related, not that I really remembered anything then. Life then was just a mess and it was one current crisis after another. There wasn't time to do trauma work even if we had wanted to do it then. After that, I moved to another state, and couldn't continue to work with her. There hasn't been a good T since I've been in this state for one reason or another. (One fell asleep during sessions; another was simply clueless; the third here had serious boundary issues and I ended up knowing more about his life and issues, as well as those of his other clients, than he knew about my life; yet another was really good, but had ABSOLUTELY NO experience with DID at all.) In short, it's been difficult here. I finally have one that I am really trying to force myself to work with. I mean, I know that he's worthwhile, but I don't trust easily. Diving in like this is simply terrifying. And now, we are looking at doing real "work" the week after Christmas. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know what the others hold. I mean, I know a little...very little, but I don't think that I really WANT to know what they hold. I remember a little, and it's horrible. I don't want to know the rest. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE REST!
I am really terrified of that session after break. I have no idea what he's going to uncover. If I had some idea, it might be easier, but I don't have any clue at all! What am I going to do? I wonder if there is some way not to remember. I find that I am remembering more and more as some of the worst of the walls come down. Some of the more recent walls that recreated total blocks are a good bit more transparent now. That's a good thing, in that I am aware of more during T. Some of it I find distant and dream-like, but usually at least some of it becomes clearer later. So, what all of that rambling means is that I am afraid of knowing what goes on when he tries to work with someone or something. I am more aware now, and know that increases my chances of remembering whatever we work on, and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!
In reality, I do want to know. I just have no idea what's there, and don't want to be crushed by something unexpected.
I am afraid of this.
Me
During the last session with the T, we figured out who it looks like the core self is. I'm a little relieved because it is one that I know and feel comfortable with (at least mostly). At the same time, it makes me nervous because I have no idea how he is going to get things to work with a core self who can't talk.
I am also just plain scares because this will be the first time that I, well...we, actually attempt anything resembling trauma work. With the first real T (first real one that knew anything about DID when I was an adult anyways), she tried to force me to do it when things in the system were really unstable, and we knew the timing was bad and quit. The next T was awesome, but we spent so much time on stabilization that we didn't really get to anything trauma related, not that I really remembered anything then. Life then was just a mess and it was one current crisis after another. There wasn't time to do trauma work even if we had wanted to do it then. After that, I moved to another state, and couldn't continue to work with her. There hasn't been a good T since I've been in this state for one reason or another. (One fell asleep during sessions; another was simply clueless; the third here had serious boundary issues and I ended up knowing more about his life and issues, as well as those of his other clients, than he knew about my life; yet another was really good, but had ABSOLUTELY NO experience with DID at all.) In short, it's been difficult here. I finally have one that I am really trying to force myself to work with. I mean, I know that he's worthwhile, but I don't trust easily. Diving in like this is simply terrifying. And now, we are looking at doing real "work" the week after Christmas. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know what the others hold. I mean, I know a little...very little, but I don't think that I really WANT to know what they hold. I remember a little, and it's horrible. I don't want to know the rest. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE REST!
I am really terrified of that session after break. I have no idea what he's going to uncover. If I had some idea, it might be easier, but I don't have any clue at all! What am I going to do? I wonder if there is some way not to remember. I find that I am remembering more and more as some of the worst of the walls come down. Some of the more recent walls that recreated total blocks are a good bit more transparent now. That's a good thing, in that I am aware of more during T. Some of it I find distant and dream-like, but usually at least some of it becomes clearer later. So, what all of that rambling means is that I am afraid of knowing what goes on when he tries to work with someone or something. I am more aware now, and know that increases my chances of remembering whatever we work on, and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!
In reality, I do want to know. I just have no idea what's there, and don't want to be crushed by something unexpected.
I am afraid of this.
Me
15 December 2008
What a day!
This is complicated, but I'll try my best to explain without being too confusing. A friend of mine has two grown daughters. They take care of their younger brother and sister. The younger brother has been having a lot of problems lately (he has a lot anyways, but they have gotten exponentially worse over the past few weeks). He has been caught stealing twice and been charged with theft. Today, he disappeared for several hours and we had to go out searching for him. He is now on a new "rules system." Well, he is simply on one, which he never really had been before. It's extremely strict, but he agreed to it. I don't know if it is going to work, and if it doesn't, then he'll be going to a hospital. He really has a lot of problems. The whole situation worries me, but I'm trying to think the best. There isn't any way to see into the future. All we can do is wait and hope.
In addition to that, I have an appointment tomorrow to meet with a woman (wow...what a vague statement) about working on a theater production with a local high school. I just got internet hooked back up today (haven't had it since the move), so I haven't really had any time to research the kinds of things that I want to do when I meet some of the kids tomorrow.
Finals are over, and the stress still doesn't seem to back down.
I also had T today, although it seems like a week ago after everything that's happened today. It was, however, today. It seems as though the T is satisfied that we really did identify the "core self." The one we found doesn't talk, but it isn't because of any kind of trauma. I think she doesn't talk because keeping things quiet is just one of her jobs. Maybe it is easier to make sure that no one else says anything that they aren't supposed to if she doesn't have to worry about monitoring herself. She has the right personality, although I only ever considered her to be half of a whole. I wonder how the core self can have such a haunted twin. The other one is a historian too, but holds knowledge of all of the emotions. Maybe knowing that has been harder to hold. Maybe the twin was traumatized somehow, but I don't really believe that. I don't know why she is the way that she is, but it is hard for me to imagine "A" being the core self and "L" being such a haunted shell.
In the end though, the test is yet to come. Next week we are supposed to try working with a part I think. How can she work with another part when she can't talk? How is she going to communicate with them and the T at the same time. She has to write to the T. Speaking of, we need to start taking paper to T so that we don't have to take his notepad. Anyways, she can communicate with others inside more easily, but outside it is more cumbersome. I really don't know how this is going to work, but I'll try to have faith that it will work out somehow.
Right now a lot about T is based on faith. It was hard for me to believe that there was a core self at all, let alone the one that was found. It's hard to believe that any of this will work. I try to believe, but things haven't worked for so long. I mean, things inside have been working fairly well for quite a while, but T hasn't worked for such a long time. It's so hard to trust people, and diving into the process like I did...the real basis of trust wasn't there. I hope that it will continue to form until we can really get into the depths of things, but I don't know. I struggle with things. I struggle with trust and opening myself up to someone I really don't know yet. But, what it all comes down to is faith. I know that I can have faith in the process.
Me
In addition to that, I have an appointment tomorrow to meet with a woman (wow...what a vague statement) about working on a theater production with a local high school. I just got internet hooked back up today (haven't had it since the move), so I haven't really had any time to research the kinds of things that I want to do when I meet some of the kids tomorrow.
Finals are over, and the stress still doesn't seem to back down.
I also had T today, although it seems like a week ago after everything that's happened today. It was, however, today. It seems as though the T is satisfied that we really did identify the "core self." The one we found doesn't talk, but it isn't because of any kind of trauma. I think she doesn't talk because keeping things quiet is just one of her jobs. Maybe it is easier to make sure that no one else says anything that they aren't supposed to if she doesn't have to worry about monitoring herself. She has the right personality, although I only ever considered her to be half of a whole. I wonder how the core self can have such a haunted twin. The other one is a historian too, but holds knowledge of all of the emotions. Maybe knowing that has been harder to hold. Maybe the twin was traumatized somehow, but I don't really believe that. I don't know why she is the way that she is, but it is hard for me to imagine "A" being the core self and "L" being such a haunted shell.
In the end though, the test is yet to come. Next week we are supposed to try working with a part I think. How can she work with another part when she can't talk? How is she going to communicate with them and the T at the same time. She has to write to the T. Speaking of, we need to start taking paper to T so that we don't have to take his notepad. Anyways, she can communicate with others inside more easily, but outside it is more cumbersome. I really don't know how this is going to work, but I'll try to have faith that it will work out somehow.
Right now a lot about T is based on faith. It was hard for me to believe that there was a core self at all, let alone the one that was found. It's hard to believe that any of this will work. I try to believe, but things haven't worked for so long. I mean, things inside have been working fairly well for quite a while, but T hasn't worked for such a long time. It's so hard to trust people, and diving into the process like I did...the real basis of trust wasn't there. I hope that it will continue to form until we can really get into the depths of things, but I don't know. I struggle with things. I struggle with trust and opening myself up to someone I really don't know yet. But, what it all comes down to is faith. I know that I can have faith in the process.
Me
13 December 2008
A nightmare
It's been an exhausting week. I went to dance this morning, and then had to run to the store to pick up a cleaning cloth and repair kit (just in case) for my new glasses. When I got home, I spent a little while talking to the SO, and then played around on the computer for a while. I was falling asleep at the keys, so I decided to lay down for a while. That's significant just because I never nap unless I am absoultely drop dead exhausted, and this was my second nap this week. (I also took one on Tuesday after unpacking for most of the day.) During my nap today though, I had a nightmare. It woke me up at 6 o'clock, so I just got up and came over to dinner.
Here is the dream (The names have been changed to protect MY identity ^_^):
I was at a huge theater with some of my friends. J.T. was standing on the stage putting down tape marks as we moved through the scene. I am assuming from that, that it was during the Tech Rehearsal. I was running a number in navy dresses with black heels with some other women, including Lauren and Donna, as well as some girl with red hair that I don't know. While running this number, we made a change so that I came out later than the others and joined them at the front of the stage for the final pose. When we tried it that way the first time, I put my elbow out for Donna to hook her arm through it, but hit her chest instead. I apologized and she said that it was fine. I then asked J.T. to put down a tape mark for where I should stand so that I wouldn't hit Donna again. He said that he would take care of it in a moment. The other women and I went back stage to a huge room with costumes, props, and set pieces from floor to ceiling along the walls and on a huge stand in the center of the room. I was looking around at the various completed and "in process" costumes for the show. I saw some that were referred to as the "Disney Princesses," and remembered someone telling me that we were doing that one with each of us being a different character. Lauren came over and mentioned that she didn't want to be Glinda (the good witch), but thought that she might have to because she had the right shade of red hair. I told her to put it up and suggest to the other girl that she let her hair down so they would see her hair. It was also the right shade of red.
At that point, someone realized that we needed something, but I don't know who, or what we needed. I offered to drive us to the city. Lauren, Margaret(two girls I dance with), and Nancy (a girl I know from school) went with me. We drove through the city, but it looked nothing like the city that it was named for in real life. There was ice on the roads, but not a lot. When we got into downtown, the brakes on the car stopped working. We managed to survive flying through a couple of intersections, and I kept trying to get us onto roads with the steepest uphill climbs I could to slow us down. My friends were screaming at me to hit the brakes, but my foot was already to the floor and there was nothing else that I could do. At that point, Lauren was in the front seat. Eventually, the fourth intersection that we came to was a "T" instead of a 4-way. We couldn't go straight. We had to go left or right. There was a hill in front of us with a service station/gas station on it. I tried to turn right, but couldn't make it. The car hit a patch of ice, and at that speed, it just flew. We landed nose-down over a mini cliff sitting near the top of the hill. Nancy was in the front seat by then, and had been hurt. I had been thrown clear of the car somehow and was a good 20 feet away unhurt. I ran to the service station area (like the inside of a gas station)and, although the door was unlocked, found it deserted. There seemed to be an apartment attached to the store, so I knocked on the door and was told to come in. I opened it to a a dusty older man sitting on a ratty old couch watching television on a very old TV. I told him what had happened and that I needed help.
After that, I remember turning and seeing a newer looking gas station across the road, but it seemed so far away. Then I woke up.
I have dreams like that a lot, where the breaks give some, or start and stop working intermittently, or stop working completely. I hate those dreams. The terrify me.
All for now. Should have internet again on Monday, so this can start being a bit more regular again.
Me
Here is the dream (The names have been changed to protect MY identity ^_^):
I was at a huge theater with some of my friends. J.T. was standing on the stage putting down tape marks as we moved through the scene. I am assuming from that, that it was during the Tech Rehearsal. I was running a number in navy dresses with black heels with some other women, including Lauren and Donna, as well as some girl with red hair that I don't know. While running this number, we made a change so that I came out later than the others and joined them at the front of the stage for the final pose. When we tried it that way the first time, I put my elbow out for Donna to hook her arm through it, but hit her chest instead. I apologized and she said that it was fine. I then asked J.T. to put down a tape mark for where I should stand so that I wouldn't hit Donna again. He said that he would take care of it in a moment. The other women and I went back stage to a huge room with costumes, props, and set pieces from floor to ceiling along the walls and on a huge stand in the center of the room. I was looking around at the various completed and "in process" costumes for the show. I saw some that were referred to as the "Disney Princesses," and remembered someone telling me that we were doing that one with each of us being a different character. Lauren came over and mentioned that she didn't want to be Glinda (the good witch), but thought that she might have to because she had the right shade of red hair. I told her to put it up and suggest to the other girl that she let her hair down so they would see her hair. It was also the right shade of red.
At that point, someone realized that we needed something, but I don't know who, or what we needed. I offered to drive us to the city. Lauren, Margaret(two girls I dance with), and Nancy (a girl I know from school) went with me. We drove through the city, but it looked nothing like the city that it was named for in real life. There was ice on the roads, but not a lot. When we got into downtown, the brakes on the car stopped working. We managed to survive flying through a couple of intersections, and I kept trying to get us onto roads with the steepest uphill climbs I could to slow us down. My friends were screaming at me to hit the brakes, but my foot was already to the floor and there was nothing else that I could do. At that point, Lauren was in the front seat. Eventually, the fourth intersection that we came to was a "T" instead of a 4-way. We couldn't go straight. We had to go left or right. There was a hill in front of us with a service station/gas station on it. I tried to turn right, but couldn't make it. The car hit a patch of ice, and at that speed, it just flew. We landed nose-down over a mini cliff sitting near the top of the hill. Nancy was in the front seat by then, and had been hurt. I had been thrown clear of the car somehow and was a good 20 feet away unhurt. I ran to the service station area (like the inside of a gas station)and, although the door was unlocked, found it deserted. There seemed to be an apartment attached to the store, so I knocked on the door and was told to come in. I opened it to a a dusty older man sitting on a ratty old couch watching television on a very old TV. I told him what had happened and that I needed help.
After that, I remember turning and seeing a newer looking gas station across the road, but it seemed so far away. Then I woke up.
I have dreams like that a lot, where the breaks give some, or start and stop working intermittently, or stop working completely. I hate those dreams. The terrify me.
All for now. Should have internet again on Monday, so this can start being a bit more regular again.
Me
12 December 2008
The last day
Today was the last day of school before break. I had one final and it really sucked. It was really difficult and there was material that seemed to come out of left field. At least it is over. I can still feel residual stress from it, but I am hoping that a hot bath this evening and a good night's sleep will wash it away. I think I'll feel better in the morning.
I also got my glasses today. I don't know if I mentioned that I needed them. I had an eye Dr.'s appointment last Friday, and was told that I needed glasses. I went and put in the order for them that day, and they came in today. It's absolutely amazing how clear everything is. You don't realize how blurry everything is until it is suddenly clear. That's how it worked for me. It's really awesome! I like my glasses too. They are super cute. The SO thinks that they make me look even younger, which is kind of a problem considering that he looks his age (older) and I look a lot younger than mine anyways. He thinks people will start wondering if he is a pedophile, ha ha. I don't think that I look that much like a kid.
I still don't have internet at home, but it should be turned on Monday. (I sure hope anyways, because I'm going nuts not being able to post regularly.
I also bought the SO's Christmas present today while I was out picking up my glasses. He's going to flip when he sees it. He has no idea what's coming. That's a good thing though. I hate giving presents when people have an idea of what they are getting. It takes all of the fun out of it for me.
Now that I am on break for FOUR WEEKS, I have time to study French (in preparation for next semester), do some internal work (desparately needed), and work on the house (to finish getting it organized and decorated for the holiday). I have a lot to do, but it will be relaxing (I hope).
Guess that's it for now,
Me
I also got my glasses today. I don't know if I mentioned that I needed them. I had an eye Dr.'s appointment last Friday, and was told that I needed glasses. I went and put in the order for them that day, and they came in today. It's absolutely amazing how clear everything is. You don't realize how blurry everything is until it is suddenly clear. That's how it worked for me. It's really awesome! I like my glasses too. They are super cute. The SO thinks that they make me look even younger, which is kind of a problem considering that he looks his age (older) and I look a lot younger than mine anyways. He thinks people will start wondering if he is a pedophile, ha ha. I don't think that I look that much like a kid.
I still don't have internet at home, but it should be turned on Monday. (I sure hope anyways, because I'm going nuts not being able to post regularly.
I also bought the SO's Christmas present today while I was out picking up my glasses. He's going to flip when he sees it. He has no idea what's coming. That's a good thing though. I hate giving presents when people have an idea of what they are getting. It takes all of the fun out of it for me.
Now that I am on break for FOUR WEEKS, I have time to study French (in preparation for next semester), do some internal work (desparately needed), and work on the house (to finish getting it organized and decorated for the holiday). I have a lot to do, but it will be relaxing (I hope).
Guess that's it for now,
Me
11 December 2008
Clarification and stuff
I decided that I should clarify my post from earlier a little bit. When the counselor and I discussed emotions, it was in relation to one particular situation or memory or something (I cannot remember exactly what).
I know that I have some emotions...namely fear and guilt. In addition, I know that some of the others have other emotions...including rage, sadness, and shame (among others I'm sure).
I've been sick lately. It's probably due to stress. My stomach is just in knots.
Okay...that's all for now.
Me
I know that I have some emotions...namely fear and guilt. In addition, I know that some of the others have other emotions...including rage, sadness, and shame (among others I'm sure).
I've been sick lately. It's probably due to stress. My stomach is just in knots.
Okay...that's all for now.
Me
A crazy week
First, I have no internet where I live right now. It won't be back on for another few days, so I am stuck using the computers at school whenever I have time. The reason for this insanity? We moved this weekend (actually Sunday and Monday), and don't have the cable or internet hooked up yet. Also, this week is finals week. It makes life kind of crazy right now. My first final was today, and I have another one tomorrow.
I also had a T session in which we searched for the core self. He accidently "tripped" over a recurring nightmare that I have had for years. He also identified...although most here don't believe it...one who seems to have all of the characteristics listed. I don't see how it's possible, but I'm willing to try to look past the improbalities to see the possibilities. Maybe it's right, and we can start moving forward. Hmmm...we'll see.
I had a meeting with the counselor on Wednesday as well. We didn't really get anywhere. I guess with all of the moving and studying going on, there hasn't really been time for much else to happen. I always feel bad on days when I go in there and don't have much to say that is "work" related. I feel like I'm wasting her time, and that it really isn't fair to her. (Although I know that she would disagree with that.)
We did talk a little about my beliefs that I am an awful person and conviction that no one else knows the truth. I suppose that she and the T are right, in that I cannot assume that they know nothing since they have no information on which to base beliefs. I do like the fact that I am usually able to step outside of myself and look objectively at subjective situations. I had to admit to the counselor though that this MIGHT not be one of those situations. I reserve judgement until all of the evidence has rolled in. I still think that I am right, but am willing to consider other possibilities if there is enough evidence in support of their opinions.
We also talked about the recurring dream, and my lack of emotions. Is it truly a lack of feeling? Or is it just burried? I guess there's really not much way to know right now.
I'm sure that I have a lot more to write...but I can't think of it now. It will just have to wait until the next time I have access to the internet. Who knows when that will be.
Me
I also had a T session in which we searched for the core self. He accidently "tripped" over a recurring nightmare that I have had for years. He also identified...although most here don't believe it...one who seems to have all of the characteristics listed. I don't see how it's possible, but I'm willing to try to look past the improbalities to see the possibilities. Maybe it's right, and we can start moving forward. Hmmm...we'll see.
I had a meeting with the counselor on Wednesday as well. We didn't really get anywhere. I guess with all of the moving and studying going on, there hasn't really been time for much else to happen. I always feel bad on days when I go in there and don't have much to say that is "work" related. I feel like I'm wasting her time, and that it really isn't fair to her. (Although I know that she would disagree with that.)
We did talk a little about my beliefs that I am an awful person and conviction that no one else knows the truth. I suppose that she and the T are right, in that I cannot assume that they know nothing since they have no information on which to base beliefs. I do like the fact that I am usually able to step outside of myself and look objectively at subjective situations. I had to admit to the counselor though that this MIGHT not be one of those situations. I reserve judgement until all of the evidence has rolled in. I still think that I am right, but am willing to consider other possibilities if there is enough evidence in support of their opinions.
We also talked about the recurring dream, and my lack of emotions. Is it truly a lack of feeling? Or is it just burried? I guess there's really not much way to know right now.
I'm sure that I have a lot more to write...but I can't think of it now. It will just have to wait until the next time I have access to the internet. Who knows when that will be.
Me
02 December 2008
No idea what to call this
The whole "title" thing is difficult for me. Other blogs I read have such fun titles. I am just clueless and clumsy. Speaking of clumsy, I slipped and fell on the ice this morning. I had actually nearly fallen three times before. I guess on the fourth time, my luck just ran out. I went down and my left knee twisted behind me. I landed in a hurdler's stretch, the kind that you aren't supposed to do anymore because twisting your knee like that isn't healthy for it. Well, I fell into that position and it really hurt. Not only did I bruise it when I banged it on the asphalt, but I also sprained the ligaments on the inside of my knee. It's swollen and it kills to move it at all. If it isn't any better within a couple of days, then the college medical people are going to send me to a locan orthopaedics office to see if anything worse is going on. UGH!
School was good. I see the counselor in the morning. I hope that my knee feels better. I'm going to double up on pain meds because prescription strength aleve doesn't even take the edge off of it. I still want to take it though because it is an anti-inflammatory. I hope that I can get a good night's sleep. It's time for bed.
Me
School was good. I see the counselor in the morning. I hope that my knee feels better. I'm going to double up on pain meds because prescription strength aleve doesn't even take the edge off of it. I still want to take it though because it is an anti-inflammatory. I hope that I can get a good night's sleep. It's time for bed.
Me
01 December 2008
A rough and good day
The day started out with T this morning. We talked about random nothingness, like school papers and upcoming finals, for the first few minutes. He mentioned that he had started reading the blog. I already knew that he had called the counselor and how the conversation went. I told him so. I also explained why I had never gotten around to signing a release form for her to talk to him.
He asked if I remembered the last session, but I didn't. I mentioned that it wasn't easily available, but that if I tried really hard I could probably get at least some of it back. He proceeded to relate it all to me. It was pretty overwhelming to hear (a lot had happened), and I started to shut down.
We talked about Internal Family Systems Therapy a little bit. It's the modality that he wants to use with me. It requires the help of a "core self," different than the core personality often talked about in DID circles. The core self is competent and confident, is something that everyone has (multiple or not), and is secure and untraumatized. The idea of that scares me because we tried to access that part once before and it didn't work. What if it isn't there. I mean, there's a guess as to who in the system it might be, but what if we are all wrong? If no core self exists, then what? Is therapy hopeless? How do we find this self? What happens if we can't?
He also brought up "k" again, mentioned how she came out in response to stuff related to "the question." He still thinks that she came out because she wanted to talk, but was also unwilling to talk at the same time. He described her attitude as ambivolent. He was going to ask to speak to "d". I asked him why and he told me that he wanted to know why he ("d") didn't want him to talk to "k". I told him that he didn't need to talk to "d" because I could give him the answers.
A few years ago, the counselor asked a bad question (what do you deserve?), and "k" really fell apart. She crumbled, and disappeared far inside for at least 4 months. We can't afford to lose her like that. We have a set of twins, two sides of the same coin, who keep records of everything that happens outside. They hold different parts of it, but together they hold it all. If they were to have a third, it would be "k". She knows everything inside. She know who everyone is, where they are, what they are doing (except for "the Others," she can't see what they are doing), and what their jobs and problems are. Right now, there aren't enough who are in good shape to hold up the system if she crashes.
He wanted to know what could happen to make it safe for her to talk. I told him that others have to come first. She will be one of the last to reveal and deal with things because the others have to be strong enough to hold up the system without her for a while. Granted, there's no guarantee that she will crumble again, but it isn't worth the risk. Losing her cripples the system, and that is far too dangerous. It simply isn't worth the risk. She can wait until later. There are plenty of others who can go before her. It bothers me in a way because she is so young with so much responsibility, such a big job, and yet she carries so much pain. I hate that she will have to continue to carry the world on her shoulders. It just isn't fair to someone so young.
I wish I knew what to do. The T wants to try to find the "core self" again next time. I'm nervous. There are so many directions that I feel like I should be going. I can't choose one. I am standing still, and I'm sinking into the quicksand. If I don't move soon, I'll die.
So much more...
In brief, went to social security and took care of business, even though it was a day after the due date. I think it will be okay. Turned in the research paper today. Also had a wonderful conversation with one of my professors, R. F-T.. She is wonderful and insightful and supportive and friendly. We get along well. Did laundry and started packing.
So much...but done.
Me
He asked if I remembered the last session, but I didn't. I mentioned that it wasn't easily available, but that if I tried really hard I could probably get at least some of it back. He proceeded to relate it all to me. It was pretty overwhelming to hear (a lot had happened), and I started to shut down.
We talked about Internal Family Systems Therapy a little bit. It's the modality that he wants to use with me. It requires the help of a "core self," different than the core personality often talked about in DID circles. The core self is competent and confident, is something that everyone has (multiple or not), and is secure and untraumatized. The idea of that scares me because we tried to access that part once before and it didn't work. What if it isn't there. I mean, there's a guess as to who in the system it might be, but what if we are all wrong? If no core self exists, then what? Is therapy hopeless? How do we find this self? What happens if we can't?
He also brought up "k" again, mentioned how she came out in response to stuff related to "the question." He still thinks that she came out because she wanted to talk, but was also unwilling to talk at the same time. He described her attitude as ambivolent. He was going to ask to speak to "d". I asked him why and he told me that he wanted to know why he ("d") didn't want him to talk to "k". I told him that he didn't need to talk to "d" because I could give him the answers.
A few years ago, the counselor asked a bad question (what do you deserve?), and "k" really fell apart. She crumbled, and disappeared far inside for at least 4 months. We can't afford to lose her like that. We have a set of twins, two sides of the same coin, who keep records of everything that happens outside. They hold different parts of it, but together they hold it all. If they were to have a third, it would be "k". She knows everything inside. She know who everyone is, where they are, what they are doing (except for "the Others," she can't see what they are doing), and what their jobs and problems are. Right now, there aren't enough who are in good shape to hold up the system if she crashes.
He wanted to know what could happen to make it safe for her to talk. I told him that others have to come first. She will be one of the last to reveal and deal with things because the others have to be strong enough to hold up the system without her for a while. Granted, there's no guarantee that she will crumble again, but it isn't worth the risk. Losing her cripples the system, and that is far too dangerous. It simply isn't worth the risk. She can wait until later. There are plenty of others who can go before her. It bothers me in a way because she is so young with so much responsibility, such a big job, and yet she carries so much pain. I hate that she will have to continue to carry the world on her shoulders. It just isn't fair to someone so young.
I wish I knew what to do. The T wants to try to find the "core self" again next time. I'm nervous. There are so many directions that I feel like I should be going. I can't choose one. I am standing still, and I'm sinking into the quicksand. If I don't move soon, I'll die.
So much more...
In brief, went to social security and took care of business, even though it was a day after the due date. I think it will be okay. Turned in the research paper today. Also had a wonderful conversation with one of my professors, R. F-T.. She is wonderful and insightful and supportive and friendly. We get along well. Did laundry and started packing.
So much...but done.
Me
Finished
I just finished (nearly) writing a research paper for my seminar class tomorrow. It's almost 1:30 am and I only wrapped up about 10 minutes ago. Luckily, I don't have class until 11 o'clock becauseI still haven't written my introduction. I have, however, written over 7 pages of material including an awesome (maybe) conclusion. The SO is going to flip out on me when he looks at the time when I come to bed. I don't really care though. I'm only feeling slightly dozy as it is. I'm sure I'll fall asleep relatively quickly, but I do not feel exhausted. That is probably due in part to the fact that I have been going to be very late and waking up relatively late every day for almost the past week.
It's going to be rough getting back on this school schedule for two weeks. Luckily, I only have to be back on the school schedule for two weeks. Within that two weeks, I have to study for finals, do homework (luckily not a lot), pack up the house, move (and then unpack too), bake cookies, and possibly get started choreographing my very first show. It's going to be a crazy couple of weeks.
And during all of that mess, I have to continue with T and counseling and try not to turn into a complete basketcase. I hope I can handle that much. I don't think basketcases do so well on finals.
I am stressed and nervous about tomorrow (well actually just later today). I know the T read the blog last monday. I'm not sure if he's read since then. He was already worried, and I know I've added a little more to worry about (unless the counselor successfully expressed her concrete lack of concern). I doubt that she was able to get any message across though, since I hadn't yet signed a release form for her.
On top of it all, I may have screwed myself over with Social Security. I'll just have to wait and see until tomorrow. UGH!
I CANNOT handle everything that my life throws at me when I get exhausted. I am just incapable of it all.
It is time for bed though. I can do bed.
Goodnight,
Me
It's going to be rough getting back on this school schedule for two weeks. Luckily, I only have to be back on the school schedule for two weeks. Within that two weeks, I have to study for finals, do homework (luckily not a lot), pack up the house, move (and then unpack too), bake cookies, and possibly get started choreographing my very first show. It's going to be a crazy couple of weeks.
And during all of that mess, I have to continue with T and counseling and try not to turn into a complete basketcase. I hope I can handle that much. I don't think basketcases do so well on finals.
I am stressed and nervous about tomorrow (well actually just later today). I know the T read the blog last monday. I'm not sure if he's read since then. He was already worried, and I know I've added a little more to worry about (unless the counselor successfully expressed her concrete lack of concern). I doubt that she was able to get any message across though, since I hadn't yet signed a release form for her.
On top of it all, I may have screwed myself over with Social Security. I'll just have to wait and see until tomorrow. UGH!
I CANNOT handle everything that my life throws at me when I get exhausted. I am just incapable of it all.
It is time for bed though. I can do bed.
Goodnight,
Me
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