What I deserve (a really bad night)

I hate it. I can't sleep and I hate it. I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of dreaming of it. I am tired of wishing for it and planning it. I want to sleep peacefully. I do not want to think about paying someone or coming to a mutual agreement with someone to do horrible things to me. I am just FUCKING TIRED!

I understand the difference that the counselor pointed out between the thoughts in my head (of which I have control over) and translating it to a live situation (where the control is completely in someone else's hands). But it comes down to one thing, the only thing that matters is whether or not I care. The truth is, I don't care. I don't care what comes of it. The circumstances could kill me, and I just don't care. That prospect neither thrills or upsets me. I almost want to do it over break just to get it over with.

I'm on the edge of cutting again to relieve the stress of it all. I just can't stand myself. I hate what I do on the internet to be able to put myself in those shoes, to envision myself in that situation and feel better. I do in the moment, but then can't stand myself. I CANNOT STAND MYSELF! Were it not for Herb, I would follow through with it now. Were it not for my mother, I would choose to die.

I cannot continue to do this. I feel like I am going insane. I want to die. When this isn't so immediate again, I might feel a little bit better. I also know that this will come again. I don't want to face this anymore. I want to die.

(Man is the T going to flip this week. Wow.)

Me