Rough day in T

I had T today. I was nervous because I wasn't sure if he had time to look at the blog or not. It turned out that he hadn't. That was good because I didn't have to face anything, but bad because a lot has come up in the last week that I can't talk about. We sort of talked about one thing, but I can't really remember that part. I know that he said that we should talk about why I think I deserve certain things. I don't want to look at the cause.

After that, I curled up about as small as I could and just shut down. "K" came out then, and she wasn't in good shape. Talking about the forbidden question (What do you deserve?) is never good for her. I don't know why. The T thought that she might want to talk about it because she had come out, but I'm not so sure. She got pulled back in it seems, because it was really sudden. "D" came out and made a deal with the T that he wouldn't ask why we believe those things. He said that he didn't like the deal because he felt that it was a really important thing to talk about, but he's agreed to it for now. It was kind of exhausting, and I don't feel like anything good came out of it. So much is going on in my head right now that I'm just miserable.

We (the SO and I) are getting ready to move within the next two weeks, and I just get this feeling that I want to be alone...that I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. We've been together for a few years, and although there have been issues, it has been generally stable. Now I am looking at doing this major work with all of this stress. So much is coming up now, and I have every reason to believe that there is a whole lot more underneath. How am I going to manage a relationship with all of that.

There are serious problems as it stands. Actually, there is one major problem as it stands. Unfortunately, it is a problem that requires one of us to make major sacrifices no matter how it stands. We both can't have what we want and be happy. He sacrificed for three months, and had had enough. Then it was my turn to sacrifice, and I hate it. I'll be doing it from here on out. Hating my body. Hating myself. Wanting to cut but not being able to. (He would see it and be angry.) Wanting to starve (although that impulse is largely due to how close "e" is to the front).

I stand by the last few posts; I just want to die. I know that I can't do that. The guilt won't let me kill myself. If, however, I can put myself in a dangerous situation, then I just won't try to protect myself. Wow. Not going to finish that thought.

For a long time, I just wanted to remember. I wanted to fill the holes in my past, to know about my life. I am beginning to know, and I want it to go away. I want to live in blissful ignorance. If I can't have that, then I want to die.

Me