Forgetfulness...and remembering (could be triggering to some with SI issues)

I found a quote a little while ago, and it struck me as something that I should write about. By the time I opened the page to write, I couldn't remember the quote. I'll try to find it again later. I know that it was in something I was reading, but I've read a few things and it would take me a few hours to have to reread through it all. I just don't have a few hours tonight.

I am still dealing with the "remembering" from last weekend. I know that if I tell that to T tomorrow, he will want to work on containment with me. I don't know why I'm so resistant to that idea, but I am. The only thing that I can come up with (and it feels like it is probably the right answer) is that I am afraid it won't work. Right now I can at least delude myself by thinking that it WOULD work if I actually took the time to really work at it. If we do try it though, and containment doesn't work, then I can't even pretend anymore that it would. That means that anything can come back at will and I can't put it away when it gets to be too much. I just don't want to know if that happens to be the reality. I want to stay in my shell and pretend that all of the bad just isn't there. I know that isn't possible though, and to make any kind of progress requires that I face it.

There is also, I think, another aspect to my resistance towards containment. I want to suffer. As much as I hate it and wish that I didn't feel this way, I feel like it's necessary. I deserve it in some way that I can't even comprehend.

I thought today about how it felt, lingering like it is. It is like a razor blade being drawn slowly down my arm to the fingertips. The pain doesn't go away, and it leaves an open wound. Every time I remember, it leaves a new scar on my soul. (Wow that sounds melodramatic, doesn't it?) I just realized what that analogy really meant. I've done "that" enough times to know and remember exactly how it feels. I can imagine the sensation and be equally thrilled and repulsed by it.

I have discovered rather recently that I am probably switching a good bit more than I know about. The SO has finally agreed to actually start telling me when he finds things around the house out of order. Apparently someone is fixated with the fish tank. He finds the light turned on some mornings when he gets home from work. On at least one occasion he found the filter speed turned down to about half-way. We always keep it on full because it oxygenates the water better and the fish like to play in the current. I used to be much more aware of the switching, and there were only a few that I couldn't keep track of. Life is different now though. We are just barely beginning to work towards co-consciousness and communication again in T. I only know that someone else has been out now if I find evidence or discover that I am missing information. I've had the feeling for a while that it was happening a good bit more than I knew about. I guess I was right. At least I am not losing huge blocks of time and the switching isn't interfering with daily activities. It seems that, even without communication, we have reached some sort of equilibrium. Even when the others are out, they make sure that appointments are kept and obligations are met.

I think I am going to open this blog up to T tomorrow when I go. I have no idea if he will care to read it, but it could be a really great way to access information that I cannot speak. I can write and type so many more things than I can say to anyone, even someone that I trust implicitely (which I don't with him...yet). There are some things that I can't even write yet. I find that I can answer questions even when I am unable to volunteer information. (Sarcasm to follow: Thanks A/S for the information blocks...) Hopefully he will want to read this. That does put some pressure on me to actually talk about things here, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I never thought that I would actually be able to post here. I've had issues posting online before, but this feels safe enough to me. I hope it continues to work.

Me