Feeling Overwhelmed

I am tired of feeling overwhelmed. I just feel on the edge of collapse. I am glad that Thanksgiving break is coming up in a week. I need the break, but the pressure right now to get everything done in a week is intense. It's even harder when I am finally trying to face things in T. I want a release, and my first instinct is to start SI again. It isn't feasable right now though, because I am in a relationship with someone who would absolutely have a fit if he saw any marks on my body that I couldn't rationally explain. (I think SI is a perfectly rational explanation, but we massively disagree on that one.)

Some really bad stuff came up for me last weekend, and I haven't been able to just shove it all back down like I usually do. It just lingers there in the back of my mind and pounces on me at the most inoportune moments. It all makes me want to scream.

I have dance performances all weekend long and on Monday, three in total. Love to dance, but can't wait until it is over.

I want to forget. I don't want to think about what I deserve or what I want to happen to me to fulfill my beliefs about myself. I don't want to remember. I want to disappear and be away from it all. I don't want it to have a place in my thoughts.

I feel the others more. I want one of them to take it away. WHY WON'T ANYONE TAKE IT AWAY!?! I feel...can't say her name...more. The food impulses tell me that she is staying closer to the front. I would just retreat inside and let someone else handle it all if school wasn't my job. It's nearly the end of the semester. To leave now would be disasterous for all of the final projects and final exams.

I guess I am done for now.

Me