A crazy day (or life)

I went to counseling this morning. (I should mention that I see a T on Mondays and a counselor on Wednesdays every week. It will be that way until next semester starts and my schedule changes.) I spent the beginning of the session talking about as many inconsequential things (boy that seems to be my "word" lately) as I could think of. That didn't last for long though, it never does. I finally had to move on to how I felt ("eh"). I told her that a lot had come up for me this past week. All the yuck that came up the Saturday before last reared its ugly head again Friday evening. I couldn't sleep. I read a book that brought back a memory that really sucked. She asked if I could talk about it, but I really couldn't. I told her that she could probably read it on the blog. I had forgotten to give her the address last week, or maybe she didn't ask and I just didn't offer. Either way, it contains information that might come in handy for her.

She proceeded to inform me that the T had called her on Monday. I knew he was going to read the blog after our session (the first 11 entries anyways), and I could immediately guess why he had called her. She told me that he was worried. We had talked a little bit about "the stuff" that had come up for me twice and was really getting to me. Added to the blog entries, I guess it might have been a little alarming. Then again, I even commented within that the T was going to freak or have a field day. I shouldn't have been surprised.

As it turns out, though, the T could talk to the counselor, but not vice versa. When I first started seeing him, Isigned an agreement that he could talk to her. She and I talked about doing the same thing, but decided to hold off until I felt a little more comfortable and was sure that I was going to stay. It didn't come up in conversation after that. It was apparently a very one-sided conversation. She told me that normally, without that agreement, she wouldn't even acknowledge that she knew me. However, that would have been a little weird since I talk about her in session a lot and specifically gave him her contact info when I signed the release. This week I have to think about how exactly I want to put together a release so that I don't feel too exposed. Just blogging here has left me more exposed than I ever thought I would be willing to do.

I had to read blogs for a paper for school, and I found one where the T has access. Shortly after that, I went to see the counselor one Wednesday and discovered that every time I get within shouting-distance of anything major, I run away as far and as fast as I can. I decided that, since I can often write about things that I can't say, I should start a blog and offer access to my T. I just wanted to be able to share things without really sharing anything, to give him a back door from which he could ask questions. I try very hard not to censor myself any more than I would if this was truly private. There are a lot of things I can't write, even to myself, but I try to be as honest and open as I can here. I've said a lot already.

That makes the release complicated and scary. I am afraid. I feel like I am already revealing so much of myself to the T. The counselor knows a lot more because I've been seeing her for over 3 years. I've only been seeing the T for a few months. I trust her not to reveal too much of me unnecessarily, but it's still difficult. I'm probably just going to write "with discretion" on the release and hope that things go well.

I gave the counselor the web address today. I'm really not sure what she'll think. I guess I'll see next week. She did mention a concern that she had (and she's right). I'm not talking about all of the things that are coming up for me. I can't speak them out loud. I've written about them to some extent in extreme generalities, but that isn't quite the same. Without discussing it all with someone who can challenge my beliefs, I am just internalizing all of the things that I am remembering and incorporating them into the belief that I am bad. Hopefully next week, when they have both had a chance to read the blog, we can get into something of substance.

During the session I remembered two more things. One memory was related to the bad memory (from the book) on Friday, and the other memory came from the counselor's earrings. Her earrings reminded me of a pair that Jennifer gave me during the day program at Sheppard Pratt. She made jewelry, and had a beautiful selection. While we were inpatient on B-4, I had given her something. (Lotion or body wash maybe?) The earrings were a present for helping her out. The second memory involved a friend of mine when I was in elementary school. Even then, I was very good at giving massages. I think that I learned by massaging my dad's hand when it started to throb, but I'm really not sure. Offering a friend a massage may not seem like anything of any importance, and it wouldn't be were it not for the thoughts that went along with it. Again, I was stopped by a child, someone younger than myself (although only by a year or less), who knew that what I was trying to do was wrong. She might not have known why, but she knew that she was uncomfortable with it. I felt shunned and confused.

I'm sure that I'll hear from someone in the coming week that it doesn't make me a bad person. Only a bad person would try to do that to someone else. I know the truth, whether anyone else is willing to admit it or not.

I did a lot of cooking today after my appointment. With Thanksgiving tomorrow, I had a lot to get ready. I made homemade applesauce (Great-great-grandmother's recipe). I also made an apple pie and a pumpkin pie (my first one). Both pies turned out great! I also did some prep work for tomorrow to make life a little easier.

It was a fun afternoon anyways. It made the day a little less stressful.

That's all from me,

Me