Bad things at night

I'm in a relationship. (Had I mentioned that before? Maybe, can't really remember.) I'll be using softeners a lot in this post because the words are hard for me to write, not because of any "forum etiquette" that I've picked up through the years.

S*x is a big issue between the SO and I. He wants it a lot more than I do. Actually, he wants it period, and I simply don't. That obviously doesn't work out so well. Although he conceded for a while, at this point it is my turn to concede. (Except for a wonderful 3-month respite, it seems that I am always the one to concede, although I'm sure that he compromises on frequency.) So all of that means that things "came due" last night. I hate his timing. He always pushes for it right before I have to walk out the door to go somewhere or extremely late at night when I have to get up the next day. Last night was no exception with the request coming at 12:30 at night. I wanted to get it over with, however, so I just let it go.

I can distance myself from it to a point, but some of the things that he says during just mentally fling me around. I'm not even exactly sure why. He says things like "give it to daddy," and "that's a good girl." When I hear it I want to crawl right out of my skin. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. I want to squirm away and just run as far and as fast as I can from the house. I don't, but it makes me nauseous and I hate it. I couldn't post this last night, I had to go to sleep. This morning, the feelings don't feel quite so immediate. But they are still there, lingering in the background. I dread the next time. I always dread it. I wish that I could destroy the parts of myself that make me, well...me. Unfortunately, I know exactly where an act like that would land me. If I had the money, I would just have a plastic surgeon do it for me. Then it would just make me vain, not nuts. Well, I'm sure since I'd be doing the opposite of what most people want, I might still be considered SLIGHTLY nuts, but at least not totally.

Class starts in a few minutes, so I have to go. If I think of more later, I'll post again.

Me