Complications

I haven't posted in such a long time, and for that I'm sorry. I'm sure that no one bothers to follow my dead blog anymore, but I feel the need to update anyways. If nothing else, it will give me an opportunity to get some things off of my chest.

I'm still in college, and it's been a REALLY rough semester. A few weeks in my fiance, who I've been with for the better part of four years, decided he wanted to split up. Apparently he just said it in anger, but I didn't know that for a couple of days. I made the decision not to let him take it back. We both have a lot of issues and neither one of us truly fulfills the other's needs. I just decided that it was better to try to be friends for the time being while we both worked on ourselves individually. Six days later he thought we were in a relationship again because I said that I might be willing to try again once he'd changed. He decided that he had turned his whole life around in six days. I just couldn't believe that he had changed that quickly, so I told him that I wasn't willing to try it again yet.

We had another blow out that night (midterms week of course). Instead of studying for my midterms and writing my papers I spent the evening moving every single thing I owned from the main part of the apartment and our shared bedroom into the spare bedroom (which served as my office). I had so many meltdowns during the semester, and I basically lived in the Dean's office. He and I were still living together despite the breakup, and that made everything more difficult. However, things were finally starting to look up. We were getting along better and even started to joke around again. During finals week, everything fell apart again. Basically, he told me that I was so selfish and uncaring that no one would ever be able to stand to be in a relationship with me. Essentially, my best friend in the world told me that I was unlovable. I had a complete meltdown and it was only through the grace of two amazing friends that I survived my last day of finals.

And now you're caught up, so here's what's going on now.

We're still living together, but I'm taking steps to move out. I know he's not happy about it. I just broke the news today. Part of it has to do with what he said (uncaring, selfish, unlovable). I finally realized (or maybe just got around to admitting it to myself) that we have both hurt each other so much during the past four years that we really can't rebuild any part of our friendship as long as we are still living in the same space, and it might not even be possible once we live apart. To be honest, I simply don't trust him anymore. I've never let anyone get as close to me as I did with him and he took everything he knew about me and used it to hurt me in the deepest possible way. How am I supposed to feel comfortable sharing my most private self with him now? The second reason that I want to move out is that he is dating again. He has seen this woman just about every day since they had coffee this past Thursday. I can't say that it upsets me or makes me jealous; I just find it very uncomfortable. I feel like it's put this wall up between us, the giant pink elephant in the middle of the room that no one talks about.

Tonight, the fact that he is seeing someone else hurt for the very first time. He told me that he was going next door to visit his kids (they're grown). He came back at one point to pick up some food for them that he didn't want. Before he left again, he told me that he would be back by 8:30 (not that it mattered to me). When he got home, I asked him if he had a good time with his kids. He said, "yes," and then told me that he had gone over to "her" house so that she could wrap Christmas presents for him. I've always done that for him, and I live right here in the house. Why did he have to drive all the way over there for her to do it? I still can't say that I'm particularly upset. It's more like a feeling of unease, or maybe like someone just stabbed me in the side. Somehow, it's a purely physical sensation instead of an emotional one (although I'm sure that there's some emotion behind it).

I have no idea if I'm being reasonable or not. Moving out brings so many issues with it, but staying brings so many more. I don't want to feel like this for the next two and a half years (until I go off to grad school). I feel like my wanting to move is really bothering him, and that it's going to cause issues until I can make it happen. However, I don't think that I can survive another semester like this past one. I can't deal with all of the drama and distractions. I really need a break. I'm not going to get one as long as I live here.

I wish there were clear cut answers in life.

Amazing Night

I did something tonight that I had no intention of doing; I went to a dance. I've heard tales of this mythic dance since I first started college back in August. Actually, I might have started hearing about this popular event from alumni before I even landed on campus. I decided a while ago that I really didn't care to attend either the "mythic dance" or the rebellious event meant as the rebel response to the "mythic dance."

Anyways, I went. I didn't know that I was going until about 2 1/2 hours before it started. I was still planning on a quiet evening at home doing homework (or something like that). My plans changed when a friend found out that I was planning to skip it and "harassed" me into going. As it turned out, faculty and staff come to this event and bring their spouses and children; it's quite the networking opportunity. I scrambled to get ready, pulling a dress out of the closet that I bought about 2 years ago but never wore. I had nothing for my hair (I ran out of hairspray a couple of weeks ago). I had to run to the store to get hairspray and a headband. I came home, curled my hair, put on my make-up, and left for the dance.

I've never been the "dance" type. I usually grab a drink and sit on the side-lines, like a traditional wall flower I suppose. This time, I stuck with my routine until friends started to arrive. I ended up teaching three of my friends to swing dance and dancing with a fourth friend as well.

The food was amazing. They had a leg of beef...I mean the WHOLE thing. The dessert tables were just phenomenal. Our college has the best dining services. When they go all out it's a sight (and taste) to behold.

They had two rooms with two different bands. I enjoyed the blues band, but the swing band was my favorite. I know how to swing dance and really enjoy it. That is where I spent most of my evening.

I had to bow out a little early because the SO had to go to work tonight, but I didn't mind at all. I am just glad that I went. I will definitely go every year now. It was a completely wonderfully amazing experience. (However, I am not used to doing anything other than walking and standing in heels; dancing was definitely an experience. My feet still hurt an hour later.)

Overall, it was a great night.

Shaking the Foundations

Well, I suppose that I should first acknowledge my complete failure to complete the last post as well as my neglect of this site for the past few weeks. It drives me nuts (even though I understand that life gets busy sometimes) when the blogs that I follow go weeks or more without an update.

And now, a new post...

I had to admit to myself that my core beliefs, the foundations of everything, might be a little skewed. Beliefs that I am a bad person, inherently bad, disgusting, gross, lazy, fat, undeserving of happiness, stupid, and other things influence everything from what I think and do to how I perceive and respond to everything.

I often feel paralyzed by the double binds that I have created for myself where one option proves that I am inherently bad, etc., and the other option means that I have to face a reality that I do not want to admit. Either way, I have to live with a reality that I find devastating.

In T, I find myself resistant to any intervention that may lead to some resolution (one way or another) of these double binds. My fear of both resolutions keeps me trapped. I am more comfortable sitting in this uncomfortable double bind with no answers than I am to make a move and discover that my history is incomprehensibly bad or that I am inherently bad.

Something has been plaguing me for a long time and I was resistant to attempting to contain it for exactly the reason mentioned earlier. If it turns out to be possible to contain it (as measured by success in attempting containment), then it confirms that there are parts of my past that I want nothing to do with because they are so heinously awful. If this thing cannot be contained, then it proves that I am gross and disgusting and lazy. How can I live with myself knowing those things?

However, I've decided to take a leap of faith that somehow things can get better. The T said that eventually I would have to make a move if I ever wanted to get beyond all of this stuff. I know that he is right. Eventually I will have to make a decision, face the consequences, find the answer. Since it is going to be eventually, it may as well be now. I've been wanting to do it since last Wednesday, but haven't managed to get around to it yet. I will though, before he comes back from vacation a week from Tuesday. As much as I want to avoid it and run screaming in the other direction, I am going to face this. It is simply something that I have to do.

I've really got to prepare for this!

Me

No escape

On Saturday, I gave in to the SO's "needs". I didn't really want to because I had so much work to do and nowhere near enough time to do it, but I knew that it had been a while and he wasn't going to put up with it for much longer. I had to take a shower anyways.

Usually, I can sort of shut it out. This time, however, was very different.

I guess I'm going to have to continue this later because class is starting soon and people are starting to arrive. I'll edit this post later this afternoon.

Me

What is Unhappy?

What is unhappy? I really don't know. At first it seems to be an emotion, but I really do not believe that is accurate. One definition of happy, according to the Random House Dictionary, is characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy. Happy is clearly an emotion. Sadness is often considered to be the opposite of happiness. Sadness is defined as being expressive of or characterized by sorrow. Unhappiness is not the same as sadness. The prefix 'un-' means not, opposite, or take something away. Doesn't it stand to reason that unhappiness simply means not happy?

I do not feel sad in my relationship with the SO. I feel a complete lack of happiness, a deep unhappiness from which I feel unable to escape. He and I are incompatible on every scale that matters, and even a few that don't. Our beliefs on a wide range of issues, values, quantity and quality of communication, interests, educational level, goals, time-lines, and priorities are all so different that we are nearly at polar opposites on all of it. I am unhappy. I do not know what that means, truly, but I am.

I got home from counseling today and he was already home. After talking about a few other things, he asked me how it went. I talked a lot about how incompatible we are and what to do about it. I couldn't tell him that, so I told him that she just gave me a lot to think about. He asked, "like what?" I told him one thing was the fact that I get myself into situations that confirm that I am a bad person. For instance, in our relationship I have never gone an entire week without doing something "wrong," ever. If I stay in the relationship, I feel that I am a bad person because I am always doing something wrong (i.e. hurtful, neglectful, irritating, etc.). If, however, I decided to break off the relationship, I am also a horrible person because I am hurting the SO. I did not give him that example, but simply gave him the overall view.

I cannot remember what started the next part of the conversation, but be began a diatribe about how all women are sneaky and conniving. I asked why, rather sarcastically, if he felt that way he didn't just choose to be gay. After he rejected that idea, I asked why he felt that way. Apparently all women use s*x to get what they want, as a manipulative tool. He then moved onto an ideal that I find almost too difficult to believe. Women are sneaky and conniving and yet they wonder why men treat them the way they do. I must have said something because he quickly responded that he didn't want to continue the conversation since we never agree on anything. I took a step back from the edge and asked if I could just confirm his meaning. I asked him if he meant that abused women did something to deserve it. I don't think that he actually used the word "yes," but he said something to that general effect. All I could say was, "oh." I just dropped the subject. He said something about not believing in hitting women himself, but being able to understand why other men do.

That is incredible to me. I suppose, to some extent, this is where the difference in level of education becomes huge. It is great that he is amazing at math (although not advanced stuff like Calculus). Unfortunately, many of his beliefs are archaic and in no way based on current research.

I don't know if I can handle this. I have no idea what I can do to make it better. Break is the week after next. I think we need to sit down and talk. He gives hints periodically that he is not happy. He will not take responsibility for it though. We really need to talk. I am exhausted and nothing makes sense anymore.

Life sucks sometimes.

Me

The right thing to do???

I am considering a HUGE step, and I have no idea if it is the right thing to do or not.

I decided quite a while ago, during the summer actually, that I was going to keep my life separate from school. When I made that declaration to myself, I had no idea how hard it would turn out to be. Now I am starting to realize. There are times when I am simply having a really rough time and have difficulty concentrating on work. I have to admit that I am extremely high functioning at this point in my life. A few years ago, when I was in what I suppose would be called the "crisis stage," that was definitely not the case. I have accomplished a lot in the way of stability over the past few years.

Today I met with the counselor. We talked about the topic of the last post, how I feel so incredibly alone. I do not actually have friends to whom I can speak about life. I listen and provide advice when I can, but am unable to divulge my own life and ask for support or advice from anyone. I do not wish to minimize the value of either the T or the counselor. They are both amazingly helpful and supportive. However, interactions with them are not on any kind of social level. I see them because they are professionals, and that makes it a very different dynamic.

I am a non-traditional student in a college that has very few. I believe that there are approximately 5 of us, all in different departments (for our respective majors that is), in a school of almost 2,000 students. We range in age from 25 to 70-something. Although it isn't a bad thing, it means that most of my friends are about 18 years old (I do have a few in other classes as old as 22). In the end, however, I do not feel comfortable burdening 18-year-old's with my problems. They won't know what to do or say (yes I know that is an assumption that probably has a few exceptions), and it isn't fair to put something like that onto them.

The other option is to talk to faculty or staff. A few staff, I can already rule out for various reasons. I realize fully that faculty and staff are not my friends. They are still in a professional role that they leave behind at work. However, as a non-traditional student, I have a slightly different relationship with them than many of my student peers. I feel comfortable talking to them on a more contemporary level.

What this all comes down to is this: I am considering telling my advisor. I don't know how she will take it. I know that I can ask for it to be kept confidential. I'm really not sure if I should. When I first spoke to the counselor, she suggested that I might want to consider telling one of the faculty members that I've developed a good relationship with. At first, that seemed like a really good idea. As I thought about it, however, I started to question whether or not I wanted to introduce that into the relationship. It may complicate things in a way that damages what we have now. For that reason, I thought of telling my advisor. She already knows that my history wasn't exactly beautiful. I also happen to have an appointment with her tomorrow to discuss a paper of mine that I am really struggling with. I have to figure out what to do by then.

Guess that's it.

Me

I'm really all alone

I don't think that I have ever before realized quite how alone I am. Actually, that's not true. I have had times before when I felt desperately alone, and truly was in a lot of ways. However, never have I felt quite so alone with so many people in my life.

I have a significant other...who believes in "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" and can't really handle all of my problems. Hence, I keep a lot to myself around him. Since we live together, I keep a lot to myself even when I am home, the one place I should be able to let go a bit. I started college in the fall and have so many friends, but they are all so young. How do I tell an 18-year-old (almost ten years younger than I am) that I have multiple personalities and an abuse history that I don't really remember? I mean...those things really are at the base of most of the problems that I am having right now. Being in the hospital because of DID/MPD related issues is how I met my friend who committed suicide. Having an abuse history screws up my s*x life and causes a lot of problems in the relationship with the SO. Just about everything else builds off of that in some way.

I wish that I had friends to truly talk to. I give them advice, but cannot ask the same from them. I love having one of the absolutely most awesome counselors in the world....and a T who gets it. Unfortunately, however, they are no match for friends, people to simply vent to or talk to and know that I can still hang out with them tomorrow. What support network do I have out in the real world? The answer is that I don't actually. I have a counselor and a T. I keep secrets from everyone else. I guess one could argue that I have secrets from the counselor and T as well, but they are of a different quality. With them, it is a matter of when I will reveal things. With my friends and SO, I will never reveal things.

I cannot talk to them about how the SO and I had s*x last night and I am afraid that his mood is going to improve. I cannot explain to them that I think, despite all of the SO's denials, that he still bases his feelings of love and security in our relationship on s*x. How do I tell them that I am so supremely unhappy with him that I have opened up other options for myself in the hopes that I can actually be happy? How do I ask for advice because I am standing on the edge of making an unforgivable mistake? I cannot ask those things of people so young.

I have no one. I sit alone and struggle through these things on my own, and wish to die. It is an easy way out...a cowards way out. I understand that. I know what it does to those left behind. I also know that, with my plan, if I didn't succeed, I may be institutionalized for a VERY long time. It could permanently derail everything that I want for myself. It would be a huge risk to take. If I plan well enough, however, it could be a sure thing.

I don't like being alone. I want someone. How can I have so many people and be so completely alone? I don't want to be alone.

Me